


Wild Waves

by sherlockian35



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Alec, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Magnus is a good partner, Parental Problems, childhood problems, rock star father
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-03-01 09:32:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13292019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockian35/pseuds/sherlockian35
Summary: Agent Alec Lightwood was shot, and he stucked with his partner, Magnus Bane in medical leave. It will change their relationship forever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have a major writer’s block for my unfinished stories, one of my friends suggested trying to write a story that the characters stacked in a house for a reason, and exploring their relationship. I told her it would be boring, I was right.  
> Comments and criticisms are welcome for this boring story   
> I hope 2018 would be a good year for all of us. I wish all of you happiness, health, success and peace for the new year.  
> 

Agent Alec Lightwood was exhausted. He just needed to rest and sleep. He always hated to be a target of bullets. It wasn't the first time, Agent Lightwood was shot, but the past ones were only minor wounds, and this was the first serious injury he got in the line. Alec closed his eyes as his partner, Magnus Bane fumbled with the keys. Everywhere in his body strained and hurt. One bullet in his right leg and one on the upper side of the left abdomen. Alec sacrificed his spleen for a bullet, and to his surgeon, he was lucky since the other one missed the femoral artery by half an inch. 

Alec opened his eyes, glancing at Magnus. The man was his curse and his luck. People generally surprised a man like Magnus, dye in hair, kohl around almond shaped eyes and jewelleries adorned his perfect physical features, could be a security service member, but he was. Magnus Bane could speak five languages, had a Ph. D degree in sociology, he was extraordinarily good in negotiation situations and he had the thirty seventh highest fortune in the country. He was the epitome of opposites against Alec.

Alec Lightwood had only finished high school, left his home at age eighteen to join the army. He was honourably discharged at twenty six and found himself confused in civil life. Alec had not attained to the college, he had not got any skill for a job except knowing how to fight in a battle. He had been struggling for eight months. He couldn't call his parents for help, they never forgave him since he left his home after a big fight and recruited immediately after that. Alec's parents, Maryse and Robert Lightwood were known college professors. Ironically, Maryse's books about parenting were bestsellers while she never understood her son's inner turmoils or she never accepted Alec's sudden confession about his sexuality. It was not easy being a son of highly successful academics. Their expectations were high, they demanded continuous achievements in their children's school life, they had already drawn their future. Then, Alec rebelled and failed.

He knew he failed. He had joined the army without thinking as his brother Jace had followed his steps -another reason Maryse and Robert would never forgive him-. Jace and he had gone different directions in the service. Jace was still in his post, his superiors were sure the blond lieutenant had a bright future among the staff officers in the army. Alec was not smart like his brother, but he was good at combat, so he had found himself in special forces.

He had left his home after he had confessed to his parents, he thought he was gay, and he had recruited himself in an organization Don't Ask, Don't Tell was a policy. Maybe his parents had been right, he was not that smart as his sister and brother. Alec had accepted the environment, complying with the rules through the years. He had refused to think about himself. It had not been easy, but thinking was not a crucial skill in the army.

When he had discharged, he felt like a fish out of water until he met Luke Galloway. The assistant director of Criminal and Cyber Investigation branch. Luke knew his parents from the university. He had wanted to give him a chance just for annoying the high and mighty psychiatry professor Robert Lightwood. Yes, he didn't like Robert and Maryse that much after their graduation.

Alec Lightwood had a low self-confidence. Luke had seen the light in this young man,  even though he didn’t see it in himself. He couldn't easily open himself. Even though he was not under in any policy now, his shy personality didn't allow to express himself. Director Galloway would never confess, however, pairing Alec Lightwood with Dr Magnus Bane, the king of sarcasm, was his best idea. After five years in the field, the duo solved dozens of vicious crimes.

Their last case, it was seemed a simple white collar crime, went down the hill as Alec shot twice in a park, witnessing by several people with smartphones and the other ran away using the chaos. Fortunately, he had caught by NYPD several hours later. Alec had fired his gun after he had fallen down, he had had to shoot a young girl in her leg who had hit Alec twice. Alec was still feeling bitter about the incident. Director Galloway sounded sincere when he said if Alec didn't smack the girl down, she could have killed Dr Bane since he had been found himself in the middle of it when he tried to convince the perpetrator. Alec had sent to medical leave for a month while Magnus sent with him until the internal investigation would end. Luke watched the social media videos, Magnus and Alec did everything in the procedure, the problem was the videos were not good for PR as his agents' faces were in every damned TV channel in every news bulletin.

Alec leaned to the wall, resting his hand on his abdomen. They were friends, they were partners, Magnus and he shared the excitement, guilt or tiredness caused by their job. They sometimes soothed the other's rage or whimsical ideas. However, Alec now understood, they didn't know so much about each other. Magnus didn't know which key was for the door. Alec didn't know what Magnus's home was it like. They were sharing their lives for five years, and neither of them asked about how their private life continued outside the work.

Alec of course knew some details about Magnus since he never kept himself in hidden, he just couldn't. He was ten years older than him, he was bisexual and he had been engaged and separated from famous international socialite Camille Belcourt, the daughter of a steel industry mogul, ten years ago. His last lover, Imasu Morales, a Peruvian ballet dancer broke up with him, reasoning he was too ephemeral, declaring he wanted to something solid and permanent.

Magnus had learned something about Alec too. He had engaged a law school student when he was twenty years old, Lydia Branwell. Alec said it didn't work, and they separated six months later. Their ways still crossed time to time since she worked in Legal Bureau in the force, they looked they were on good terms. It was all Magnus knew, he was a sociologist observing people's behaviours was normal for him. Alec wasn't interested in being in a relationship, he hadn't been dated by anyone, male or female for five years during the time they were partners. He might be an asexual, Magnus sometimes caught his furtive glances on male gender. The glance was always short, but it was there. It made Magnus Bane unbalanced, he hated the feeling.

Alec sighed when the sharp pain in his left side increased. Magnus turned his head, he could see the discomfort in his face. “Sorry.” He mumbled as he turned the key, he pushed the door, he allowed Alec to enter first.

Alec didn't reply. Magnus was also tired and exhausted. His face was pale, it was strange to see him without a makeup or fashionable clothes. He was wearing a grey sweatpants and a loose sweatshirt. It suddenly hurt Alec. Magnus was the liveliest man he had ever known, skilled and clever. Agent Lightwood liked to watch him in secret, he was tall and lean, had beautiful curved gold-brown eyes, wearing most tempting clothes. Magnus was the beacon in his lonely life. He didn't want him to give up his core because of him. They all ruthlessly criticized Magnus in the news, his face, his life, his style while the fault had been Alec's. Everything cut in pieces by people who didn't know anything about being in law enforcement, analysing him under their useless, biased microscope, and it was all Alec's fault. It was because Special Agent Alec Lightwood paused for a second, just a time between blinking of an eye. They didn't interest Alec since he was the boring one, the transient, uninteresting half of the partners.

When Alec stumbled, Magnus wrapped his arm silently around his chest for support. They slowly walked towards the sofa in the living room. Alec puffed a breath in pain as he sat down.

“Thank you,” He said in a low voice.

Magnus smiled, it wasn't the usual, earth enlightening curving of his lips. “You saved my life, Alec.”

Alec bit his lower lip. “I was hesitated. If I didn't...”

“You couldn't know the girl has a gun. She could have blown my head at that distance. You basically saved my life even after she shot you.” Magnus said firmly.

“It was my fault...but they...”

Magnus placed his slender finger on his lips. “Don't, just don't. I owe you my life, Alec Lightwood. I can fight against them, don't worry.”

Alec inhaled a soft breath, his hazel eyes reflected the inner struggle of the enigmatic young man. So much pain and unsteadiness. Magnus sat down beside him carefully, holding his hand. Although Dr Magnus Bane never put into words, he liked his partner very much. He was aware of his problems and Magnus blamed his parents for all those wrongful judgements had been done by Alec about himself. Alec didn't know how much he was attractive or handsome, he always tried to hide himself under baggy sweatshirts and pants, he rarely expressed his thoughts whenever he was surrounded by a crowd, he didn't realize how he had a sharp mind or how he was clever.

Alec gripped his hand tightly. “We can do it together.”

“You should rest or you'll not be able to help your partner.” Magnus replied.

Alec tried to laugh, his hand landed on his abdomen. “Ow...It hurts.”

“Lie down.” Magnus ordered. “Try to relax. You are taller and heavier than me so I can't carry you into your bedroom.”

“Liar.” Alec smiled as he released Magnus' hand, Magnus stood up, watching him while Alec eased himself on the sofa. “You can use my bedroom. Clean sheets and pillows are in the cupboard. Upstairs on the corridor.” He pointed the staircase.

Magnus shook his head. “We stay together. You look you need a painkiller.”

“Painkiller...” Alec moaned as he stretched his legs. “I think you should go to the shop. I don't have enough food for two.”

“I'll care about it later. Do you drink tap water?” He looked around, his eyes landed on the kitchen area. Alec nodded.

When Magnus returned to the living room, Alec seemed he was sleeping. He watched his face for a moment. Magnus put the glass filled with water on the coffee table. Alec was right about the food. The fridge was almost empty. Their bags were still on the floor, Magnus took Alec's bag. His pills were in the side part. Magnus pulled out the bottles, antibiotics and painkillers. He placed them next to the glass. He didn't want to leave Alec alone, but they needed food. Magnus had also been suspected they might have had a tail when they had driven to Alec's house. Their tail was most likely a journalist. They circled around them like sharks. Magnus and Alec warned by their superiors for not saying anything to anyone about the case.

Magnus was not so sure what he was expecting about Alec's house. It was clear Alec spend some money for his little home. The decoration was a bit spartan, but most of the furniture was expensive including the carpet covered the floor.

“It's a gift.” Magnus irked, turning his head. Alec stared at him.

“I thought you were sleeping.”

“Resting my eyes. I can't afford such an expensive item, it's a gift from my sister. Her financial status is better than me.” Alec smiled thinly.

“Your sister is a box-office actress, she is naturally doing better than you. Is it true she will have a role in Game of Thrones in the next season?” Magnus grinned.

“It's just a rumour. She has  movie contracts for next three years. No TV.”

Magnus sat down on one of the leather armchairs, leaning back. “What is it like? Having a famous sister?”

Alec grabbed the glass, he took a pill from the bottle, popping it with a water. “Weird.” He finally said. “She's always the attractive and charming one in our family. It is not surprising she is doing good in Hollywod.”

“You are underestimating your charm.”

Alec felt his face warmed, Magnus made such compliments about him sometimes, it was not frequent. However, Alec couldn't decide in those times, if Magnus really liked him or not, if a relationship could be happen between them. Alec played the ignorant card whenever their colleagues tried to matchmaking. Alec was aware of there was a betting pool about them in the work. He didn't know whether Magnus knew the pool or not. Alec was not comfortable with it. Gossips could be dangerous, especially when their names tagged in an internal investigation. Magnus and Alec had own their enemies in the job. No one could climb the stairs of success without making someone jealous.

Alec paused, then taking a deep breath. “What did Galloway ask you?”

Magnus rested his head on the back of the armchair, staring at the ceiling, extending his long legs. “Nothing serious.”

Alec didn't believe him, Clary Fray, their software analyst, called Alec last night and informed Magnus looked disturbed after he spoke with the director. “Clary called me last night.”

“So?”

“She was sure Luke told you something worried you.”

Magnus lifted his head up. Alec recognized the emotional mask Magnus usually wore for hiding. The elegant features of his face hardened. “Clary overstepped her limit. It's not her business.”

“Did he say something about me?” Alec asked slowly. A muscle in Magnus' jaw clenched. “Magnus...? Tell me what he said.”

Dr Bane swallowed nervously. “Someone sent an unsigned letter to upstairs. He or she claimed there is an inappropriate relationship between us.”

“Oh, shit.” Alec muttered in shock, his hazel eyes widened in disbelief.

“Some big man from upstairs has called Galloway. He asked Luke if it's true or not.” Magnus snorted. “I told Luke he will go to lose the bet since we are not an item.” Alec started to cough as Magnus watched him serenely. “Do you know the upstairs has also a bet pool about us? I never realized this ridiculous bet reached out to the upstairs, Alec. Now, all brass hats have money in the pool, and they are waiting our happy announcement.” Magnus said sharply.

“You just mean...” Alec frowned.

“Whoever wrote the shit, didn't know how many Malec supporters are living in the organisation.”

“Malec?” Alec blinked in confusion.

“Our combined ship name.” Magnus made a flourish gesture with his hand. “Don't ask me what it is a ship name, OK?” Alec nodded obediently. “I can only say we are in trouble, cos' my dearest friend, Deputy Director Imogen Herondale had also put some money on the pool, a hundred bucks for a summer wedding. Do you really think we have a chance when a summer wedding gives 1:20?”

“Please tell me it is a joke.” Alec replied helplessly, running his hand through his hair. “So they don't care the claim?”

“No. They heavily care about it. For God's sake, they all pray it would be real. This organisation turns into a huge betting firm because of us, Starkweather is the book keeper by the way.”

“The assistant director of IT?” Alec cleared his throat, gasping against the hurt in his stitches. “We're dead anyway.”

Magnus pouted his lips, slightly amused. “You know what? I never nervously waited highest orders for a relationship.”

Alec laughed a lot, pressing his abdomen with his hand. “Fuck. I feel little lightheaded.”

“You are using some strong shit for two weeks, it's a normal side effect. Are you OK?”

Alec closed his eyes. “I am tired. The blankets are in the same cupboard. Where do you sleep?”

“I can make a bed on the floor. Tomorrow, we are going to move your ass into your bedroom.”

Alec made a low sound, placing himself on the sofa. Magnus arranged the pillows under his head.

“Magnus...When did you realize you like boys?”

“I both like girls and boys.” Magnus corrected, smiling. “When did I realize? I was twelve.”

“Whom did you tell first?”

“My father. He tried to protect me against my mother's rage. My mother firmly believes I did inherit from him anyway.”

“So he helped you?” Alec opened his eyes, patting the heavy fabric of the sofa. “Come on, sit down.”

“The Prince of Hell?” Magnus snorted as he lodged himself on the sofa. “My father was a rock-star, Alec. I mean he is still a star, people in here doesn't know him a lot, but he is very famous in Europe.  Asmodeus doesn't care about his son's sexuality. He only cares how much his fake-support increases the likes in his Instagram account. Asmodeus would never do something without waiting your repayment. He gave me the huge share of his wealth so mother stopped bitching about my _life style._ ”

“My parents disowned me when I told them I thought I am gay.”

Magnus struggled for a minute. Alec never openly talked about his sexuality before. It was so sudden. He was hyper-aware of Alec was waiting his reaction. It was a test, and any test against his loyalty made Magnus angry. He was a bisexual, one of the journalist sharking around them described him as freewheeling bisexual. He would not judge his partner if he was confused about his sexuality. He was not that kind of hypocrite garbage.

“What do you mean you said you thought you were gay?” Magnus said calmly.

“I was confused in those days.” Alec pretty relaxed as he heard Magnus' cool reply. “Are you angry with me? It turns into a habit, hiding myself from others.”

“I am not angry. What do you think now? Are you still confused?”

“Not anymore.” Alec sighed. “What did your father want for a repayment?”

It wasn't a straight answer. Alec was an expert on dogging questions. It was not the moment getting grumpy. Magnus should be patient if he wanted to find solid answers.

“Establishing a connection. A connection that gives him a better status in the newspapers.  Did you speak to your parents?”

Alec shook his head. “We haven't been spoken to each other for years. What about you, do you speak with your father?”

“Occasionally. It's in the clauses of my fund. I should call my father monthly. He usually rants about his last fling and promises me to visit. Then, he forgets all his promises until my next call. He's been promising a lot of things since I was a child, he never left London by the way.  He never visited his child, I always went to London. Summary of my life.”

Alec looked at him with curiosity. “Did you really want him to visit you?”

“When I was a child, yes. It's not good for your pride when you realized your mother was a groupie and you are the result of a drunk night and smoking joints. Funny thing though, Asmodeus never regretted my lineage, he immediately adopted me."

"Maybe he loves you in his way." Alec muttered.

"Who knows." Magnus shrugged. "Don't get him wrong, he is not a man you can cross with. He didn't get his alias The Prince of Hell for nothing. He is in the top ten richest rock stars in the world. Well, it doesn't change the fact that I am a result of a wild partying that happened in the end of 1970's." Magnus snickered. "It also doesn't change the fact that my biological father has disastrous relationships both with men and women. I have got few of step-siblings, I never met."

"I am a planned child." Alec said. "I am the eldest, I am the result of meticulous scheming of two highly praised academics. They disappointed a lot because of me anyway. They thought they could have produced a perfect hybrid. I couldn't meet their expectations."

"You proved yourself, Alec." Magnus rested his hand on the large shoulder. "You fought for the country. You decorated medals because of your courage under fire. You are still protecting and serving. If they don't understand the value of your service, it would be their fault not yours."

Alec swallowed. It was touching, and heartbreaking. He was waiting for years to heard those words from his parents, he had never heard. Magnus did something that caused him feeling happy just as he felt himself upset.

"Thank you. I wish they could think like you. What does it like?"

"Like?" Magnus asked, frowning.

"Being with a man." Alec exhaled softly. Magnus tilted his head as if he wanted to evaluate the real reason behind his question.

"It's being like..." Magnus blinked. "Alec...have you ever been..."

Alec shook his head lightly. "I've never been on a date with a guy. I dated with girls in the school for...for the show. I was engaged to Lydia. I don't know what I tried to prove. We've never been... Is it really different?"

"It's different." Magnus replied, his warm coloured eyes landed on Alec's face. "It's physically stranger than being with a woman, I mean the one night stands. A lot of things are divergent." Magnus pointed his chest, making a slight curve with his hand. "Can I say  it is easier? Men are rather basic and very direct about what they want."

"What about relationships?"

"Relationships always need an effort, whether you are being with a man or a woman. I established relationships with both genders. It's not that much different. Everything usually related to the people you're being with. It's about their characters. I was with a man who loved details more than any other woman while I was with a woman whom she was more cold-blooded than any other man I've ever met. I can't give you a simple answer. What do you really want to know?"

Alec glanced at him shyly. "I am not sure." He confessed. "I think I want to know what it is really like being with a man. I want to do it, but I am so inexperienced I don't know how could I do it. Is it  hard Magnus?"

Magnus held his hand firmly. "Sometimes it's hard." He said with an honest tone. "Sometimes it is hard because it is not easy to accept yourself. Open yourself in such vulnerable way, but sometimes it is the most beautiful thing you have ever experienced."

Alec lowered his eyelashes, he stared at his hands. "Do you think I could find someone that he likes me?" His voice sounded childish, innocent and undecided. Magnus felt his heart was clenched.

"Alec...Why do you think like that? You are handsome. Everything about you...You are gorgeous."

"You are the only one who thinks like that." Alec murmured in sadness. "I've been continually told I wasn't the smart one, my sister and my brother were more attractive than me. I was an academic thrash and useless."

"You solved hardest murder cases, you prevented at least two big international scandal. I can say all of these need high intelligence."

"I didn't tell you...Jace, my brother, he is not my real brother. He's adopted by my parents when his whole family died in a car crash." Magnus raised one elegant eyebrow, he waited patiently. "We have simply grown up together. I...I had some feelings about him and my parents discovered it. They told me I was sick in my mind. I was just a kid, Magnus. I was just confused, I have not been feeling in that way for years, but I can't forget their words."

Magnus sighed. "Does Jace know?"

"No. He thinks we fought because of my confession, but I told Izzy."

"What was her reaction?"

"Besides hugging and chiding me for my stupidity? It wasn't bad, she gave me a chance to express myself at least. She is the only family member who could understand me."

"It's in the past. Do you still feel something for him?"

Alec shook his head quickly. "I love my adopted brother, but I don't love him in that way." Alec winced, the lines on his handsome face creased in pain.

Magnus had already been realized Alec's charm rooted from his innocence. People could sense his purity and want him desperately while he didn't understand hungry glint in their eyes. Magnus always felt he had to protect him from those vultures. Alec was a good man, and Magnus knew it. He was better than him anyway. Alec was a dedicated and loyal human for his beloved ones. Magnus wondered if he was in the list or not. He must have been in it since Alec risked his life to save him.

Magnus was always clear on anything regarding with his private life, maybe his mother was right. He might have inherited this painful bluntness and belief on his self-confidence from a rock-star father. Magnus was also aware of it was not easy to gain Alec' trust. It developed slowly in years, Alec only trusted Jace and Isabelle in the beginning of their partnership. In their fifth year mark, Alec finally had enough trust to tell something about himself. It made Magnus happy, it made him to feel sadness too. What was the reason behind those questions? Was he trying to ask whether there was a chance for them or not? Were they herding by people around them, something they really didn't want? Magnus wasn't angry with them. They wanted their happiness, but good deeds were not resulted according to expectations. Magnus had learned it a long time ago, even your own family could have been a sinister one. It's hard on anybody's soul when your mother said to your face, she's just enduring your presence just because of your father' wealth or the woman you thought she was the love of your life said you didn't have any worth except your money.

Accepting Camille didn't love him as he loved her and she had other lovers was the hardest thing Magnus had ever done in his life. Imasu accused him he was too ephemeral, too transient, too casual as he told Magnus he couldn't do something solid in his life with a lover since he had never been stayed long with anyone. Perhaps, he didn't meet the right one? A tightening emotion squeezed his chest. He knew who was the right one, he was lying next to him, a man with a soulful, deep hazel eyes and messy dark hair. The beautiful man who could understand the pressure of their job or sharing the responsibility with him.


	2. Chapter 2

Magnus was a heartbreaker when he was young. He never regretted it, but now he was almost forty two years old man whom he was wishing stability. Magnus had had a fast pacing night life in the past, a long sequence of lovers, one night stands. Magnus had even lost control of the number. He had chased every pant and skirt after he had broken up with Camille. He didn't know what he had wanted. His friends had been begun to worry about his health because of careless affairs or harsh drinking habits. The waters were ceased eventually. He finally pulled his shit together, made a neat life for himself and he owed this life to Alec.

Alec Lightwood was a poster boy for an ordinary, healthy lifestyle. It also changed Dr Magnus Bane, his partner. Alec had been stayed in the army for years, special forces for God's sake, those military rules had ingrained in his mind, got into his marrow. He didn't have any idea about wild college days or settled bad habits. As a matter of fact that, Agent Lightwood didn't approve bad habits, his clerical ways sometimes bored Magnus to the death, but he would never deny it had a good effect on him.

Alec's hobbies were related to military and discipline. He was interested in archery, and his trainer said that Alec was an extremely skilled archer. Well, Magnus didn't get his fame as High Warlock of Brooklyn, from a well-respectable hobby. However, those days were gone a long time ago. Now, Dr Bane was eating healthy food, he had a tightly scheduled training and cardio regime, he didn't lose the count of his drinks,  he didn't smoke -fortunately, he had not been a regular smoker in the past-. He could finally find time for his childhood passion, dancing and Magnus realized he wanted to settle, he wanted to establish a family with someone in particular. Magnus toyed with the idea from time to time, he liked it more than he admitted to himself.

 Magnus glanced at him. What should he really expect? He couldn't decide, the subject was sensitive, scratching an old wound had never been a good move. Magnus knew he might be little prone to the screwing things up. His outspokenness and honesty got him into trouble once in a while.

Magnus stretched his arms, there would be a month in front of them. Suddenly, he felt himself naked under Alec's gaze. Something unreadable was lurking in those hazel depths, preparing to surface.  Alec turned his head to see him.

"You know what scares me most?"

"What?" Magnus muttered.

"What if I don't like it." Alec slightly knitted his thick eyebrows.

"You mean...sex?"

"I am not sure. I know...it's really a private question but...what was it like...your first time?" Alec blushed creepily. Magnus coughed a little.

"It's utterly a private question, but his name was  Axel. They always sent me to the top rated posh schools, the most exclusive boarding school for getting rid of your unwanted child. Axel was an attractive young man. It was just a summer fling after our graduation. Neither of us was serious, I was finally in an age considering me as an adult with a huge wealth. I was overwhelmed and felt giddy all the time.  We went to Paris, stayed in there for three months. I was non-matured idiot because at the end, I left Axel for Camille. My first time...It wasn't an earth-shattering, setting off a fireworks kind of experience, but it was not that bad either."

"Top rated posh schools?" Alec nearly choked in his laugh. He didn't care the baleful looks throwing by Magnus.

"You are not suppose to laugh at your partner's face." Magnus said coldly.

"Come on..." Alec patted his arm. "Where is he now?"

"My ex-black haired, blue eyed Prince Charming? I don't know, he never called after that."

"Do you realize there is a very useful thing that called world wide web?"

"Why?" Magnus shrugged. "What would I gain? He is most likely married with kids. I am not really curious about my ex-lovers."

"I guess if I were in your place I would have wondered."

"Perhaps." Magnus pursed. "Even for a summer fling, you had something with that person, and it means you failed. It would have been a hurtful experience anyway, seeing him with another man."

"A man could also have been happy when he found out his ex did good in his life."

"I hate to disappoint you, but there is no man like that." Magnus gave a heavy sigh. "Let's be honest Lightwood. Humans are mostly jealous and implacable creatures. We all have our own insecurities. We all like to brag, uploading pictures to social media accounts with our new lovers, secretly hoping to make an unforgettable old flame jealous. We all wanted to say look at me, look at me how much I am happy with him/her. We could have been that _happy_ , but..."

Alec flinched by his harsh reaction. "I didn't want to upset you." He murmured.

Magnus scowled. "You didn't. I am sorry."

"Everything good?" Alec asked carefully, he was certainly clueless about what the hell was going on, placing his hand on Magnus' knee.

"Camille, after we separated, she gave interviews, changed his lovers weekly, ranted personal things about me on a daily basis wherever she could find a paparazzi, and she didn't have any shortage by the way. Social media is not that widespread in these years at least. It would have been a nightmare if we're in the Twitter age. It was an invasion, she couldn't stop saying my name everywhere. I couldn't watch TV,  I couldn't read newspapers. She was trying to hurt me while she was the one who left and cheated through the five years."

"How did she stop?"

"Don't think she gained her sense back. It was so embarrassing, since my father, Asmodeus, called his father. He never told what he really said to the man, but she suddenly stopped and never used my name again in any sentence."

"No way," Alec spluttered a joyous chuckle, then groaned with pain. "You are pulling my leg."

"I wish." Magnus grinned. "Seriously, he really did it. I was 24 years old, and my father made an international call to my ex's father like we're in kindergarten. Thank God, it worked. I like the spotlight, but not in that way. She...She affected me badly, I was getting out of control, became so reckless, hard drinking, partying and I was very worried about my health while I tried to fuck everyone. I am not still sure if I would have made an exception for an alien. Think, I, Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn killed an alien with an STD. It would be the reason of an intergalactic war."

"Oh," Alec mumbled.

"Yep. She cheated on me, _frequently_ , and I didn't use protection during five years. The tests were not as fast as in now. You had to wait for a long time."

"You are lucky or you could have found yourself with a hateful ex-fiancee carrying a baby in her arms."

Magnus cringed a bit. "The world is not ready for this kind of cruelty."

Alec yawned. Pain, stitches, painkillers of course made a man sleepy. "This is a sofa-bed, Magnus. Help me to open it. I don't want you to sleep on the floor."

Magnus opened his mouth to object. It was not a good idea. He could not decide what he would say. It would be the first time they would sleep in the same room, in same bed. During the five years, they always rented two rooms if they were on the way for a case. Alec had done it before with his teammates. Magnus knew since Alec mentioned in few times how their medic Jem Carstairs had an unfortunate habit of kicking in his sleep or how Will Herondale unstoppingly complained about Alec's annoying snoring. Alec had underlined the words at the end, he didn't snore.

Alec talked about his team, Shadowhunters, here and there. Dr Bane had not digged for more information, he could understand the word, classified. He was aware of they met sometimes. Magnus had never been invited those meetings. He had never been introduced to those men whom they had an important place in Alec's past and his heart. Agent Lightwood's stories were usually light-hearted, about the funny antics of his teammates; nevertheless, Magnus was a detail man and his sharp ears immediately caught the nuance. In one of Alec's stories, he said the team had six men, however, only four men gathered at the meetings. He knew Henry Branwell was living in Namibia now. He had a farm there. They frequently spoke on the phone. The distance had affected their relationship anyway.

Just once, Alec slipped a name, Sebastian Verlac, then he immediately sobered up and never mentioned again. Magnus didn't ask, Alec didn't tell. Magnus Bane was a clever guy, he could easily see the relation between their discharge and the team mate whom his name was a taboo. Alec Lightwood was a man of his words, whatever he swore on, he wouldn't give any explanation even if Magnus was insisted. 

"I can sleep on the floor." Magnus eventually said.

"Or you can use my bedroom." Alec offered again. "Or you can shut up, sleep on the sofa and won't complain of back pain tomorrow."

"Someone should care about the lacking of food in your fridge."

"There is a small grocery shop, the number is on the fridge. You can call them, they know my address."

Magnus stood up, Alec didn't leave his eyes on Magnus' face as he helped him to stand, wrapping his arm around Alec's waist. Alec gave a struggled sigh, he sat down on the armchair. He watched Magnus while he was removing the coffee table, then he was fighting with the stubborn L shaped sofa for converting it into a bed. A slow smile spread on his lips. He felt himself warm, no one cared about him for a long time. It seemed so natural to see this tall and elegant man swore like a sailor, accusing his sofa for being deliberately unhelpful.

Magnus panted harshly when he finally solved the tangle of the sofa. He leered at it for a moment. "At last." He said with a satisfied expression on his face. "Don't move, I call the store, then take the sheets and pillows"

Alec waited patiently, dozing off a bit. Several minutes later Magnus returned back, his arms were full with clean sheets and pillows. Alec startled as Magnus kicked his shin lightly. Magnus threw them on the sofa. "Now, it's time to get up, Agent Lightwood. It's time to change your clothes. Are you hungry? I can make a canned soup."

"No appetite. I know you are a junk food addict. There are some in the kitchen."

"You have junk food?" Magnus said, disbelieving. "Oh darling, organically produced, non-fat, desalted chips made from unidentified, never heard of it before kind of vegetable with hummus dip doesn't count as junk food. Junk food means sugar, unsaturated fat and salt."

"I like humus." Alec grunted. "They are here for Will and Jem anyway."

Magnus didn't know why he felt sudden hate for the men. It might be the green monster. This was the first time he was in here after they shared five years of partnership. He would never be at the same level for Alec's eyes. It hurt. It hurt Magnus more than he admitted. A pang of disappointment hit him on his chest. "They stay in here?"

"Sometimes." Alec shrugged, he sensed the subtle change in Magnus' voice. He noticed his gaze on him, and Alec flinched inwardly seeming without a reason.

His heart thudded in his chest, Magnus...Magnus was so mesmerizing, so captivating, so shining. Oh, how humans were so weak, never gave up the what if game. Continuously wondering _what if I did it, what if I didn't it, what if I would have asked...._ They were lost themselves in an utterly useless stalling that they didn't realize they were living in the present, there was no way to go back in the time, but denial was the first thing humans had ever known as a self-protection, _Homo sapiens_ even had the strength of changing collective minds. Could anyone in the history change the reality of the word, _present_? Could anyone in the history really be able to erase the memories about a lover who broke their hearts? Love was so challenging, love was a constant war between two different people, but he was a warrior, wasn't he?  It was strange though, at the age of thirty one, Alec Lightwood still didn't handle his feelings well. It was impossible to forget someone you loved, yet, that feeling was interestingly different from the concept of loving someone _now_.

A relationship couldn't work if there was no love, but love couldn't stay in a relationship if there wasn't respect between lovers. He had earned his team mates' respect, they had bonded with their souls which would never break easily. He loved every one of them, but he was not in love with any of them. It was the difference made him more powerful and more vulnerable than his past himself. Growing up was not an easy experience with all those pains.

His quiet feelings for Magnus Bane developed slowly through the years. The threshold, the first step was the hardest thing. Alec hadn't imagined a man like Bane would have been interested in him. It felt odd while it was exciting, making him dizzy like he was in the high school and love made his legs weak whenever he saw his face.

Magnus was appalled, wondering why the fuck he was feeling so bad? Feeling shamefully outsided. Alec could have called his mates and asked for their help, instead of, he requested it from him. This was clearly a valuable fact, wasn't it? Self-doubt wasn't Magnus Bane' way. He sometimes appeared acting like an airhead, his composure rarely slipped in reality. It's why Magnus was frustrated, Alec shook his inner balance, feeling himself awkward. He was skilled to hide emotions, but if he truly valued someone, truly believed on him, he didn't keep his feelings bottled up. He was far more demanding and more self-centred than Alec. It should have been normal since he was carrying the half of the genes of a man that selfishness were just a routine play for his pleasure. Asmodeus was a conniving manipulator, a latent symbiotic creature you would never understand he was feeding on you.

A man who had a brilliant IQ with the eternal love of fucking minds. He was doing it for just fun. In the last four decades, people hopelessly dissected his songs, revealing allegories or metaphors, searching something between the lines which was not there. Amusing against their reaction, knowing desiring someone or yearning to own something was more pleasurable than the actually having them, realizing humanity was trying to be too sophisticated in evolution that they left their base instincts hungry, Asmodeus could heartily played with their minds.

Magnus Bane was the child of this man. At once, Asmodeus claimed that Magnus was his only offspring made him one of the proud fathers in the world. Magnus still wasn't sure if he had mocked him or not. If he did not say it for his entertainment, the declaration was more dangerous than he thought because he didn't know what he had done to deserve this praise. Even a tiny possibility of truth in those words had been scared Magnus beyond anything, the revelation pointed that Asmodeus believed his son had some resemblance of him. It was beyond scary.

The awkward silence in the room almost continued for five minutes. Magnus forced himself to say something to break the silence, nothing came from his mouth. The vibrating phone on the coffee table saved him. Alec looked at it. "Yours." He only said.

Magnus grabbed the loathed gadget. The grocery store was calling him back. He slid the screen. "Yes," He muttered tentatively, turning his back to Alec. He could feel Alec's stare on him. He listened to the other end without replying until the end. "It sometimes happens. I'll be in there."

Magnus wanted to breath for a moment, escaped from the heavy air in the house. He plastered a smile on his face as he turned to look at Alec.

"They are apologizing, there is a problem in their delivery system. The order is complete, they promised some discount if I go and take our order."

Alec took a deep breath. He didn't know what he said, he only knew whatever it was, it had been hurt Magnus. "We don't have a car." He said simply. "You spend the discount for cab fare, maybe more."

Magnus shrugged. "You can pay the half of it later."

Alec ran his hand through his messy dark hair. "OK." He could see the incoming storm if he didn't release Magnus.

"Can you stay alone?"

"I am not a child." Alec snarled, angered.

"You are hurt. Don't move anywhere until I return, alright?"

Magnus vaguely smiled as he fetched his coat. The temperature was decreasing as the seasons were changed, Magnus buttoned up the cashmere perfectness. Magnus always turned into a fashion model with that black, knee-length coat. It was Alec's most favourite item in his wardrobe. Alec remembered Magnus had bought it two years ago. Then, he waited the winters much more eagerly. He of course never said anything about how he looked so handsome or elegant when he wrapped around with the fabric. To Isabelle, his fashion taste was in the strongly questionable side.  

"Don't worry, my batteries are almost empty. Be careful."

Magnus only nodded, taking the key chain after he called the taxi service.


	3. Chapter 3

Magnus inhaled a refreshing breath as soon as he stepped on the outside. It was a crisp night. He raised the lapels of his coat. After he walked a bit, he instinctively turned to see Alec's house. The house was another intriguing part of the Agent Lightwood. NY was considering a renter's city since the real estate was insanely expensive. His house, an upscale renovated two story condominium, was in a relatively quiet and safe neighbourhood. The floor was polished dark hardwood, there was a still usable fireplace in the corner and Alec mentioned about the little back garden. He wondered how he afforded it. He was bit ashamed of it, his thoughts for Alec's living conditions. Magnus didn't think the organization recruited Alec if he had had some illegal connections or profits. There should have been something like an inheritance.

Magnus waited on the corner of the street. The streetlights had an unearthly appearance with thin clouds around them as the producing heat met the cold weather. A few of pedestrians went pass him without looking. Why did it hurt so much? When Alec had been rushed to the hospital, he was asked who was his next-of-kin.  He had been realized he didn't know in panic, he had had to call the office and requested the information from his file. He was surprised when he learned the decision-maker was neither of his family members nor his mates, Alec appointed Luke Galloway.  For the first fifteen minutes, he had been alone in there with the responsibility until Luke reached the hospital.

He pulled out his mobile from his pocket, staring at the black screen. He could call Ragnor or Catarina, his only real friends. They would be on his side. He was bone tired. What was the time difference between NY and London? Five hours, six? It should have been after midnight,  Asmodeus rarely went to sleep before dawn. Ragnor and Catarina always supported him, but he wasn't sure they could understand him like a man who had chosen the name of a Greater Demon in Hell for himself, a particular fallen angel related to a deadly sin, lust.

Magnus sighed as he found the number, pressing on it. He didn't think Asmodeus would answer back. He was almost closing the call when his father accepted.

"Magnus?" A loud music, most likely a party, laughters of drunk participants echoed through the line. However, Asmodeus' voice was clear, he wasn't drunk.

"Am I disturbed something?" He swallowed the lump placed in his throat.

"Nothing serious." Asmodeus replied dismissively. "I've already been bored at this party, by surrounding with greedy little creatures. To what do I owe this honour?"

"What if I ask you a question about a man's behaviour? Would you laugh at me or give me a straight answer?"

"Aren't you a psychologist or something like that?" Asmodeus sounded amused.

"I am a sociologist, father." Magnus closed his eyes in defeat. "I don't care about individuals, I care societal behaviours. They are different."

"Don't be so touchy." Asmodeus groused. "Alright, ask."

"It's about my partner, Alec. He injured two weeks ago. Um, I hope you didn't see the videos by the way."

"Which videos are you talking about? The videos, you were standing like an idiot between an armed agent and a new generation sociopath, whom coincidentally holding a gun too? A pure clusterfuck?" Magnus heard a faint sound of a lighter, and deep breath of inhaling a cigarette.

"Those videos." Magnus confirmed, sighing. "We are on medical leave."

"Well," Asmodeus snorted. "You have enough intelligence to throw yourself at the ground at least. Will you get your job back after the leave?"

"I think so." Magnus paused for a moment as a yellow cab stopped at the corner. "Wait a second..." He got in the car, informed the driver of the address. He was surprised his father was waiting for him, he wasn't known for his patience."Sorry...Where was I?"

"You would want to ask a question, then you confessed you should have been nominated for the Darwin Awards. Don't worry, I'll give a vote for your story. Hell, I'll continually click it until you'll take the award."

"Is this your way to explain you care about me?"

"No, I've just revealed my disappointment as soon as I realized I wasted my valuable sperms for making an idiot. Are you going to ask your question in five minutes?"

"I am touched. Anyway. I am Alec's caretaker now. I never went to his house before. He's an ex-army guy. I never met his team mates. When...When he said his mates sometimes stay in his house, I felt myself hurt. I am still angry. What the fuck? We've been partners for five years. I thought we're friends. Why am I angry?"

Asmodeus lit another cigarette, he sipped from his ice cold vodka. "My dear child...I am not your therapist. If I've been someone's therapist, I would be so much like Hannibal Lecter. Do you have a therapist?"

Magnus laughed desperately. No one said Asmodeus didn't have a sense of humour, a dark one, but he had it. "Does it make any difference if I have one?"

"I am not sure, therapy never works for me, and you are my progeny. You like this boy, don't you? Alec?"

"A little." Magnus confessed, the inside of the car was colder than the outside. He shivered. "He is a man, not a boy."

"Is he gay or bisexual?"

Magnus cleared his throat. "He's gay." He crossed his fingers behind his back, not adding I hope so.

"You want him to like you."

"Don't play with me." Magnus warned.

"Pffft...Spoilsport. You must accept, his bond with his mates is normal.  They will not take you in their circle unless you prove yourself. I don't know how to prove yourself either. A house is the sanction of a man. His fortress. You're now invited for better or worse. So stop bullshitting and use it to your advantage. You are my son, you could seduce him in a day."

Magnus mumbled a curse under his breath. "Seducing would not be a problem if he hasn't got dozens of stitches on his abdomen and the leg."

"Gosh...Then find a suitable position." Asmodeus snapped. "Do I have to explain to you how to do it?"

"So much for asking help." Magnus muttered bitterly.

"You are not asking my help, you are whining. It's different. The best advice that I can give you is, don't forget to use condom."

"Good night." Magnus ended the call.

The driver was an old man. He sensed the client's mood and didn't try to talk. He didn't argue when Magnus wanted him to wait. He politely thanked him as Magnus generously paid for the fare. Magnus Bane craned his neck as he stared at the house, taking a deep breath, slowly climbing the few stairs.

As soon as he entered the house, he left the bags on the floor for checking Alec. He wasn't wrong, Alec didn't hear his request. He was sitting in the same armchair. His face had a color of chalk and sweaty, creased with pain. Damned the man, he changed his clothes. Alec was now wearing a black t-shirt and loose sleep bottoms. The sheets and the pillows were on the ground. He must have tried to make the bed.

"Did I not tell you not to move?" Magnus asked angrily as he shrugged off his coat.

"Sorry." Alec replied, breathing heavily. "I wanted to help."

"I would be very grateful if you don't pop any of your stitches." Magnus said coldly. "What if you fell down?"

"I didn't. Oh, shit. Can I have another pill?" Magnus's shoulders slumped. He should have developed an immunity to resist this man's boyish charm. His fingers itched from the sudden urge for brushing the mischievous strand falling on his forehead.

"Not in four hours, Alec."

"Please." Alec groaned drowsily.

"I won't be responsible for your death from an overdose of Percocet." He said firmly. "Do I have to stay here to watch you or can I go to the kitchen and put everything in the fridge?"

"No need to watch me."

Magnus frowned, Alec's speech slurred lightly, speaking little slow. "Alec...Please tell me you don't have any drug allergy."

"Huh? Me? No. I am just tired." He yawned.

"Good." Magnus rolled his eyes as he took the bags and went to the open kitchen area.

"Jem called."

Magnus winced as if someone poked him with a sharp stick. "Really? What did he say?"

"He wanted to know if I need a nurse or not."

"What was your reply?" Magnus asked in a fake politeness as he pulled the supplies out and lined on the counter.

"I said I've already had one, but he insisted to see me."

"When will he come to see you?" Magnus looked at the milk bottle, he was irritated. Nothing was the poor bottle's fault, he reminded himself.

"They'll be here in few days."

"They?"

"Will never leaves Jem's side. I am not sure about Julian."

"How long will they stay?" Magnus closed the fridge's door harshly. He shoved the bags in a cabinet.

"I didn't ask. You'll like them."

"I am sure." Magnus said with sarcasm. Fortunately, Alec was too busy with swimming in a sea of Percocet he didn't realize.

Magnus spread the cover, and put the pillows strategically on the bed. The sheet and the pillow cases smelled clean with a light detergent odour. He turned to Alec. "Come on, big guy, it's time to go bed."

"Put the soft light in the kitchen on. I can't sleep in total dark. OK?"

"No problem." Magnus said weakly.

He wasn't sure he really wanted to know why Alec couldn't sleep in the dark. He wrapped his arm around his shoulder, helping him to stand. Alec was heavily leaning on his side. They hopped a few steps. Magnus lowered his partner, he carefully placed his head on the pillow and moved his legs on the bed.

"Magnus..."

"Yes?" He muttered hesitantly.

"Don't be afraid if I have a nightmare, but for your safety don't touch me. I don't want to hurt you."

"Alright." He whispered with a gentle voice. Alec closed his eyes.

The building had a central heating, automatically began to work under certain temperatures. While the room was warm, Magnus Bane was freezing to his bones. He switched off the lights except the kitchen as Alec said. The LED light made an inefficient enlightening around the room. Magnus slipped into the bed, covering themselves with the thick blanket. Magnus thought Alec was sleeping.

"Promise me something." Alec murmured softly.

"Anything." Magnus stared at the shadows shaping on the ceiling, his body aware of the radiating warmth from Alec's.

"Never bunk on the same bed with me or Will if you didn't check under the pillows before. It's important."

"What happened Alec?" His mind screamed to touch him, eased his pain. He was undecided on his reaction.

"I will tell you when I can gather enough courage."

"You can trust me."

"I know." The trace of a smile in his voice gave Magnus a hope. "Thank you so much for being here."

"You should sleep."

Alec didn't reply.

Magnus couldn't sleep properly. His phone buzzed quietly after an hour of restless dozing off. He grabbed it from the floor. The text was from Asmodeus.

_"Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win."_

Magnus looked at the screen, frowning. He tapped his reply hastily. "1 of ur lyrics?"

His phone vibrated in a minute. _"No, dolt, it's a quote from Sun-Tzu. Art of War? Use your grammar properly."_

Magnus bit his lower lip for preventing a snicker. "Are you a general? Everyone fears?" He supposed Asmodeus would be bored and give up.

_"You can rule men using fear of punishment, but you can't win their loyalty only with it. Fear of punishment is not enough in the war, the guns turn to you not to the enemy eventually."_

Magnus blinked against the response. "So what do I do in a battle?"

He slowly chewed his lip as he waited, the minutes were gone, Asmodeus's side was silent. Magnus finally assumed his father was bored. He leaned forward the floor to leave his phone in there, the phone vibrated.

_"You never know a man is cowardice or not. Courage is not related to the constitution of the body, it is in the mind and the soul of a warrior. If a man fears for losing his beloved ones, he is dangerous. You only earn a medal and a letter to your family if you heroically died in a battle. You stay dead, you leave your beloved ones to the mercy of the enemy. In a dire situation, you have two options, kill or run. I daresay kill, if you have no other chance, then save yourself, wait for your revenge. Never leave a living enemy behind, Magnus."_

Magnus inhaled a harsh breath through his nose. "Did you ever leave an enemy behind?"

The reply was only one word. He stiffened. Magnus felt all hairs on his body prickled, he knew it wasn't a joke. Asmodeus didn't mean to cut someone's ties from the business. It's all about killing, murder.

_"No."_

"I'll stay alive for Alec."

_"Good. Rest now, my child. Sleep is the only friend asking a warrior's pay the next day in a battlefield."_

Magnus didn't think he could bat an eye after their texting. He laid his head on the pillow, covering himself with the blanket. Alec was indeed snoring lightly. They were warm, they were safe in the borders of this old house. Magnus closed his eyes. Morpheus had never been a helpful acquaintance with him, the god of dreams must have been busy tonight, he didn't poke Magnus Bane just this once.

Magnus was sleeping peacefully until his eyes suddenly opened. His brain assumed it heard something, a sound belonged to a wounded animal, sobbing and whimpering. For a moment, Magnus was disoriented. The living room was still dimly lightheaded. There was no sun rays poured from the windows. The outside was silent. Had he been dreaming? Then, Alec jerked violently, moaning.

Magnus leveled himself on his elbows, turning his head in confusion. He glanced at the body lying next to him.

Alec thrashed his arm, landed beside Magnus. His right leg was shaking with light spasms. Magnus couldn't understand what he was babbling, the words were barely audible mix up, an angry hissing noise like a rattlesnake.

"Alec..." Magnus whispered in fear.

Magnus rose, his hand extended to touch Alec hesitantly, then froze. He remembered Alec's warning. Don't touch me. How could he not touch him? Alec's face was wet with tears. He was in agony, trapped in the dream world. A blood-curdling cry escaped from his lips.

"Alec!" Magnus's hand touched his forearm. He didn't understand how Alec moved so fast in his sleep, the motion was blurred. Alec held his wrist, squeezed it harshly. Magnus was more slender than him, he was strong, but he knew he didn't match with an ex special forces soldier.

"Alec! Stop...Alec...It's me Magnus. I am here...you are safe..." His hold seemed an iron mangler, he increased the pressure getting each second. If he tried to pull his arm back, Alec was going to attack. He would hurt both of them.

"Alec...it's me..." He repeated. He clenched his teeth. "You are hurting me."

The hold was suddenly loosen, Alec released him. Magnus rubbed the bruised part, startled against the appearing dark red ring around his wrist. It was going to turn purple. He was little taken aback, Alec had only been holding his wrist, he had control in some way, but the unleashing power was limitless and fearsome.

Magnus watched him carefully. He snapped his eyes open, panting. His eyes fixed on the ceiling, his body was motionless except the twitching muscle in his neck. Magnus was not sure those hazel orbs were really seeing anything. Alec swallowed hard as his muscles slowly relaxed. He didn't turn his head to Magnus.

"Sorry," He croaked.

"You want some water?"

"Please." Alec only said.

Alec had been straightened himself up and leaned back to the head without his help. Magnus gave a glass of water and a pill to him. Alec's eyes looked almost black from the dilated pupils, the reflecting expression was full of agony. Magnus silently watched him as he drank the water, popping the pill into his mouth. His eyes were still unfocused.

Magnus reached him, cupped his chin between his fingers, urging Alec to look at his face. "Do you need something else?" He asked softly.

Alec shook his head. Hazel eyes finally gained some consciousness, fixing on Magnus's wrist. "Oh my God..." Alec said in misery, his face paled with fear. He removed Magnus's hand from his face, holding between his large hands. "Did I do that?"

"It's my fault. I touched you, you released my wrist when I called your name."

"Thank God." Alec was breathing shallowly. "I once broke Julian's cheek bone. He tried to restrain me."

He rarely had a chance to glimpse Alec's tattoos. Alec had a few of them in his body. Magnus easily guessed each one had some meanings for Alec.  One was in his upper arm, it was similar to Japanese Kanji symbol for friendship. Magnus usually chose not to draw attention to his exceptional skill on languages. Other than his mother tongue, Indonesian; Dr Magnus Bane was also fluent speaking Japanese, Mandarin, Russian and Korean. Because of his ability on Far East languages and sociology degree, CIA had tried to recruit him with a generous offer, Magnus politely accepted minor consultant position. Besides Luke Galloway, no one knew Magnus Bane sometimes did little jobs for the organization.

"Have you ever been in Japan?"

"Pardon?"

Magnus broke their eye contact. He smiled tentatively. He wanted to distract Alec."Your tattoo on your upper arm. It looks like a Kanji symbol for friendship."

"Oh, no. I never went there. It's a parabatai rune."

"What is it?" Magnus asked curiously.

"It's a custom in Shadowhunters teams. It was coming from an ancient Greek term _heniochoi kai parabatai,_ it means a soldier paired with a chariot driver. A chariot driver and the soldier shared a symbiotic comradeship, they were useless without the other. The rune bonded two warriors for lifelong partnership, it's an oath to fight together. A few of warriors want it, it gives a huge responsibility on their shoulders, there are not so much of Parabatai."

"Who is your Parabatai?" Magnus firmly promised himself in his mind, he would not be jealous of the man after Alec's reply.

"Mine?" Alec shrugged. "Mine is Jace, but he didn't stay in the team so ours could be evaluated as disrupted? I don't know. Will and Jem are Parabatai too, Julian's is Emma."

Magnus hid his sigh of relief perfectly. The adopted brother Jace? It wasn't that bad. "Emma? Are there females in the teams? Are they allowed to do something like that? A male and female?"

Alec laughed. "Slow down. Yes, there are females. Yes, it is allowed, the gender is regardless."

"I didn't know women can serve in special forces." Magnus said thoughtfully.

Alec scratched his chin. "Not exactly in special forces for now, mostly in support teams. Emma was a medic like Jem."

"Is she still in there?"

"She's discharged, she is in Medicine School now. She is going to be a doctor." The pride in his voice was so evident that Magnus smiled unconsciously.

"Jem? Did he go to the Med School? You said he's a medic too." A shadow passed through Alec's face. Magnus regretted he asked, but he wondered.

"Jem is a cancer survivor. He battled against it for years."

"I am sorry. Is his health good now?" Magnus said faintly.

"He is free now. The remission is over. It's why Will never leaves his side."

"What does he like?" Alec looked at him, his eyebrows raised in amusement.

"Are you curious about my past?"

Magnus didn't give him a string of fake apologizes, he nodded honestly. "Would it be a problem if I am curious?"

"No. You have every right to be curious. You are my partner...my friend." Alec threw a shy look at him under his long lashes. "Jem is a tall man with a thin frame. He has a kind personality, he is the smartest of us, but in the battlefield, he is fiercely brave and protective too. He is friendly, he is very good with people and children."

"What about Will?"

Alec tilted his head as if he weighed his options. "He is not easy." He said absent-mindedly. "He was our explosive expert. He's well-built, broad shouldered, much stronger than me. He is not intelligent like Jem, but he has a terrifying memory almost eidetic. Will is a difficult person get along with. He is extremely good looking man, and he knows how he can use for getting away from the trouble."

"And Julian?"

"Jules is the most stubborn of us." Alec replied delightedly. "He has a wavy, wild dark hair we all loved to mess up, driving him crazy. You must see his eyes, his eyes are a beautiful mix of blue and green. He doesn't like to talk about himself, we are similar on the subject. He is patient and sweet until someone steps on his toes. He was our communication and navigation expert."

"What was your part in the team? Did you lead them?"

"I was a tracker and fighter. Henry was our leader. I think this the reason why we are not that close to him. He is older than us. He is an honourable, good man. I envied his point of view in the world, he's always obnoxiously cheerful and nauseatingly positive."

Magnus laughed. Alec seemed he finished his words. He yawned. Magnus didn't probe further even though he wanted it, Sebastian Verlac. Alec was talking about them for fifteen minutes, he revealed more than he had told in five years.

Long, slender fingers brushed the lock falling on hazel eyes. Same fingers stroked a pale cheek, made a small hitch in Alec's breath. "Let's sleep." Magnus offered fondly.


	4. Chapter 4

Alec breathed sharply as he opened his eyes in sudden, he was alone in the bed. There was a light noise coming from the half bathroom on the first floor. Alec didn't want to move. He could have hurt Magnus last night. He hadn't verbalize, however, he had been afraid of Magnus would have left him in the morning. Now, he was most likely showering in his bathroom considering the sound coming from the guest bathroom. He had seen so many things in his life should not be spoken about, those were signed and sealed in files with the word classified written on it. Could he say he had dark secrets in his past other than being closeted? He slowly opened his life to Magnus. Baby steps, tumbling, but determined. Magnus didn't give the reaction he had been waiting, it wasn't so much optimistic, it wasn't as bad as he had imagined either.

The armour was still intact while a few of chinks materialized here and there. He was tired, except the tiredness didn't come from the surgery. Alec had been fighting with his own mind for years to understand what he really wanted. He had been deeply concerned with what other people would think about him. He had tried to protect himself, developed a guarding wall around him. Magnus was the one who cracked the door, finally forced him to think he wasn't that incompetent or clumsy. Alec accepted in his mind, he had insecurities and self-esteem problems rooted from his upbringing. He wondered sometimes how he had stayed _compos mentis_ without acquiring a recreational habit or alcoholism. Maybe he wasn't, his engagement with Lydia was not the most rational decision, he'd made. Especially, Lydia was Lt Branwell's close relative. He was still grateful to her. Before Alec had confessed he couldn't do it since he was gay, young Ms Branwell decided being an army wife wasn't for her. His secret stayed safe. As such, Henry didn't hold a grudge for him.

Alec supposed he had owed an explanation to her. He was determined, next time he saw Lydia, he would tell the truth.

Alec pushed the thick blanket. His bladder was full, he was itchy. He needed to pee, he needed for a shower before he smelled like a waste bin. He scratched his face, plus a shave. He rose from the bed with breath sharping effort. Alec rubbed his thigh. There was a huge problem appeared on the horizon. His house had two bedrooms and a three bathrooms. For his luck, the bedrooms and the other two bathrooms were on the upstairs. Magnus was using the small bathroom on the first floor, he renovated years ago for Jem's comfort and installed a shower stall.

Alec had been worn the only spare clothes he had in his bag. He didn't wear the same clothes after the shower. He sighed in worry. If he tried to climb the stairs and stumbled or fell, Magnus would probably kick his ass to the Hell.

Alec felt dizzy as he stood up. The doctors firmly warned he should walk for healing, do some untaxing chores or he would damage the recovery. He had already been enough stayed at the hospital. He dragged himself towards the bathroom. Alec bit his lower lip as he waited undecidedly in front of the door. He knocked the door.

"Magnus, May I come in?"

"Yes, you may." Magnus replied, laughing.

When Alec saw Magnus was wearing makeup, first he froze, then he felt himself light and happy. He looked fresh and young. Magnus wore a dark blue pullover and tight fitting black jeans wrapped his long legs. The cuff in his ear, the rings, kohl around his eyes, glitter; everything corrected in Alec's world in a minute. Something heavy lurched in his heart lifted, Magnus wouldn't leave him. His bathroom was steamy from his shower, smelling shampoo and soap.

"Leave the door open. I'm almost done." Magnus said.

Alec nodded sheepishly. Magnus had never been looked so beautiful. Alec was struck by his beauty. He gulped, shifting his leg nervously. He shook his head as he gained some control of himself before Magnus caught him staring. "Sorry. I have to use the bathroom."

Magnus zipped his toiletry bag, checking himself in the mirror. "In a minute. How are you? What would you want to eat for breakfast?"

"Not bad. I am not a picky eater. You can do whatever you want. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"I need a shower. Could you bring me some clothes from my bedroom?"

Magnus turned his head, his eyes narrowed. "I think it's not a good idea, Alec."

"I am stink, Dr Bane. I have to get rid of the hospital scent."

"What about your stitches?"

"The pads are waterproof. I can change them after the shower. Thank you so much for your care, but I am itchy." Alec said stiffly.

"What if you slip?" Magnus took the huge leather bag. His move was a bit harsh as if he wanted to hit Alec with the bag. Alec unconsciously stepped back.

"Then, you come to my help. I am not a child, Magnus."

"Let's compromise. How about you take a shower and I sit on there, waiting you?" Magnus pointed the toilet.

Alec was horrified, it was clear in his face. "No way!"

Magnus's lips curved into a smile. "Have you not shared the same shower with your team mates?"

"It's different!"

"What is the difference? I am your partner, your friend as you said."

"I don't have any feel..." Alec stopped, he was mortified. He nearly confessed he had feelings for Magnus. His heart accelerated in his chest. Alec leaned to the door frame for support. Damn Percocet.

"What?" Magnus looked disturbingly pleased and smug, deserving a good punch Alec decided.

"Nothing. I can perfectly wash myself."

"I didn't say anything about washing your back, Alec." Magnus said innocently.

Alec flushed to the roots of his hair. "I..." He blinked as he closed his mouth.

Magnus walked towards to him, fashionably amused. He patted Alec's arm. "Now, use the loo, don't forget to lift the seat. Then, go into the shower and call me."

"Loo?"

"A little _lapsus linguae_ sourced by having a British father." Magnus smirked. "I'll bring your clothes."

Alec gaped like a fish after him, he stared at the inside. He had never been shy with his mates, even the showers was usually full with immature jokes, laughter, jackassing and testosterone. Alec entered the bathroom. He closed the door, realizing the key was still in the hole. He could lock the door, but pouring acid on Magnus's bad side would turn into an extremely hurtful way for Alec. Magnus was adorable, smart and funny as he had a calculated, cat-like personality. If he showed his claws, he would absolutely scratch some important part of your body. Under the flashy glamour, he also nursed a grudge for a long time.

 Alec bowed his head to the inevitable, used the toilet -temporarily regarded not lifting the seat as a revenge, then concluded it was too childish- dressed off his clothes, left them on the floor-yes, it was childish so?-. Alec was fit, he had a firm muscled built with broad shoulders. He seemed he lost weight after the surgery. He was leaner than the past. He should start to exercise. He stepped in the shower, carefully closed the sliding door. Since Magnus wanted it, he yelled in frustration.

"Magnus!"

Magnus shook his head when he saw the clothes and underwear. "Prick," He murmured under his breath. He collected them and stuffed into the laundry basket. Magnus also put the clean clothes with large waterproof pads and the prescribed antiseptic cream  on the counter.

"I am here, enjoy yourself." Magnus called, he couldn't see Alec properly behind the frosted glass, his intuition whispered Alec was just flipped him off. Magnus sat on the toilet, crossing his legs. He began to write a text.

"I am in the bathroom, he is in the shower." He touched to send, crooked a grin.

 _"Where is the news as long as you are not in the shower too."_ Asmodeus sent back.

"I need an advice on an ethical issue."

_"Do you seek an advice from a Prince of Hell? Funny."_

Magnus snorted. "I feel something's wrong in the past."

_"So you want to dig? How do you use these smiley things? I want to laugh...a lot."_

Magnus curled his lips in distaste. "Learn yourself."

His mobile immediately buzzed. _"Pandora."_

Magnus stiffened. He understood what Asmodeus wanted to say. Pandora, the first woman created by Gods in Greek mythology. Pandora opened a box because of her curiosity and released all evil in the world, and the hope closed inside. He stared at his mobile, even a stopped watch was right twice a day, Asmodeus pointed the paradox, but he didn't give the answer. Free will.

"Magnus?"

Dr Bane startled. "Yeah?"

"You are awfully quiet." Alec said with a muffled voice behind the glass. There wasn't water sound anymore.

"Thinking." Magnus muttered. He hastily formed a reply to his father. _Tnhx_.

"Could you give me the towel?"

Magnus fetched the large towel as Alec half-opened the door. Magnus didn't look at him, Pandora indeed. The phone made low sounded squeak. _"Be careful."_

Magnus furrowed his eyebrows, he stared at the screen as Alec stepped out. He didn't like the warning. Asmodeus had never warned him for anything in his whole life. The towel was wrapped around Alec's waist. Wet, dark hair plastered his skull, his body and face flushed from the hot water. It would be a delicious visual material if Magnus didn't feel restless now.

"Are you OK?" Alec asked, worried. "You look pale."

"Do you need help in changing the pads?" Magnus said slowly.

"No. I can manage."

"I'll make the breakfast."

Alec confused against the sudden changes in Magnus' mood. Hot and cold. Understanding, then angry. He had struggled to analyze his reactions. He stared at his back. "Magnus..." Dr Bane exhaled softly, he was waiting at the door at least. "Do you want to go to your home?"

Magnus' eyes widened in shock, he turned to see Alec's face. Did he really want him to go? Alec stood in the middle of the small room, he tilted his head like a puppy as if he sensed his friend was going to leave him forever.

"I'd rather be here." Magnus murmured. "It's...it's my father. I asked him something stupid, and he annoyed me as usual."

It dawned to Alec, Magnus might have had his own insecurities, the slightly progressing change in their partnership made both of them frustrated and confused. Alec would have insisted, he was fine, someone eventually cared him when his friends arrived. Because of his hesitancy in speaking about his feelings and unshakable belief for following rules, he could refuse to give an honest answer, then he would ruin any communication chance between them.

Alec offered a gentle smile. If he asked him to leave, he would not discuss. He was still free to decide. It was important for Alec, making his own decisions. "I'd rather you stay here."

There were other tattoos on Alec’s body. Runes. Symbols. As a sociologist, Magnus could guess every symbol had some supernatural meaning. In the 21st century, it was still not rare, warriors covered themselves with marks believing tattoos could give them power, safety or luck. His father had a tattoo too, Magnus didn’t understand why a man marked his face permanently, but Asmodeus had a tribal tattoo on his forehead, a barbed wire. Maybe, he was too vain to understand. Who knew?

Magnus stood in front of Alec. It was impossible to not to affect by his presence, his body, his scent mixed with soap and shampoo diffusing in the air. Magnus appreciated the beauty of a man’s body. Strength, agility, energy wrath, grace and lust. Runes and scars. Scars from unspoken battles. Protection and salvation. Magnus took a deep breath, closing his eyes as the scent invaded his olfactory senses.

 _Be careful._ Asmodeus did not only warn him about the dangers of his curiosity, he also warned him for his developing feelings against Alexander Gideon Lightwood. Dr Magnus Bane was falling for this man’s charm, hard and fast, drawn like a moth to flame. It was probably a recipe for disaster, but he couldn’t help himself. God have mercy on him, he couldn’t give up, not now, not forever.

Alec weakened his resolve, his neuronal process, making him vulnerable. He told him opening himself in such a way was too hard. If he submitted himself to his feelings, he should have accepted Alec was his Kryptonite. A relationship would also lead the way of complications. They couldn’t continue as partners, they should have found different divisions. It didn’t mean that the company would want a couple in their arms by the way. They would turn into an Achille’ heels to each other, creating more problems.  Alec carried a bag that's full with chips on his shoulders. Magnus wasn’t a man whom he was carefree.

Magnus raised his hand to touch Alec, then gave up. He didn’t want to breach his comfort zone. The large gauze pad on his abdomen whispered Magnus, he had been too close to lose the man he loved. Alec didn’t move, waiting his decision. Perhaps, it was the reason of their steady partnership, trusting each other to do the right thing. 

Magnus lowered his head, his eyes fixed on the pad. “We should change it.”

Alec swallowed, there wasn’t an enough gap between them, the promise of the intimacy was unbearable. “I guess so.”

“You don’t want it to be infected.”

Alec shook his head in haste, water drops landed on Magnus. His hair on his arms raised, the pain was still in there, reminding his skin had been cut and a part of his body removed. He didn’t want to ruin the moment, thinking about Magnus’ lips, or slender fingers on him. Alec suddenly felt light-headed and nauseous, getting dizzy. Tiny dots began flying in his eyes. He wasn’t used to lose control of his body, his male pride would never allow him to faint in front of another man. He didn’t eat anything for hours, took pills, maybe dehydrated from a hot shower. Alec clenched his teeth, but his legs alerted him they were going to give up.

“Magnus...” He whispered, he looked around in panic as he tried to find something to hold before he blacked out.

Magnus caught him in time. It was a pure reflex. Alec’s body was limp in his arms, his head fell on his shoulder. “Shit! Alec...Alec...”

Magnus held him tightly, Alec was heavy with all those lose muscles, skin was cool under Magnus’ fingertips, his breath was even but sounded little shallow. Magnus was grateful, he didn’t get nervous or being useless in emergency situations. Magnus dragged Alec’s body from the bathroom, it wasn’t easy to haul a 6 ft 2, almost 200 lbs man who dedicated himself for maintaining his shape in good condition.

“Screw the six packs.” Magnus muttered angrily, panting.

He settled Alec on the nearest armchair, Magnus set him loose only for a second to take a breath, Alec leaned forward like a puppet, Magnus rushed forward to hold him as Alec started to fold into his thighs, he was going to hurt the wound in his abdomen. Then, Magnus froze when he saw the pale, crisscrossed scars on his back. Something inflamed in him. Rage. Wrath. The scars were not results of anything self-inflicting, it was evidently coming from an abuser. What if his parents did it to him? If they did, no one could save them from Magnus Bane’s wrath. He didn’t leave a living enemy behind.  The alternative was more dreadful, torture. He didn’t know what Alec had really been done in the army, he didn’t know whether he had been captured or not.

 Magnus pushed his body to more straight position with trembling hands. He knelt, Magnus carefully placed his hands on his knees. He shook Alec lightly.

“Alec...Alec...Can you hear me, darling?”

Magnus frequently used endearment words without giving any specific reasons. They all got accustomed to it, Alec wasn’t an exception. In under different circumstances their position would only be described highly erotic. Alec was naked, only wrapped a towel around his waist and he was kneeling between Alec’s long legs, but Magnus was just worried now. He didn’t realize the awkwardness of the situation.

Alec threw his head on the back, coughing. Did he just faint in the bathroom? He was so exhausted, his heart thumped in his chest loudly. The humming noise in his ears was so irritating he could hear his heartbeat. He rose his head little up, and found Magnus’ concerned gaze on him. Alec could feel the warmth on his knees. His cheeks slowly turned into pink. He had dreamt this, but not in that way. There was nothing erotic about blacked out after the shower, and dragged by the most gorgeous man he had ever his eyes laid on. Alec sighed. He must have been cursed.

“Thank you.” He said hoarsely.

Magnus stood up, leaving a stab of disappointment in Alec’s heart. “Sit down in there. You scared me.”

“Apologize. I didn’t know what it got me.”

“Hot water, low blood sugar, sharp decrease in blood pressure, didn’t follow your partner’s advice?” Magnus offered the choices. “I’ll take your clothes. You change the pads, then you eat your breakfast. You’ll stay in the bed during the day or I’ll strangle you with my bare hands, throw your body into a dump, and erase all evidence. Understood?”

“Aye, aye, sir.” Alec smiled tiredly. “Errr…Can I wear my boxer before you change the pads?”

Magnus narrowed his eyes. He looked shaken and ready to pick a fight with Alec. “Yes, my shy maiden, you can wear your underwear so your reputation could be stayed intact.”

“I didn’t say it to upset you.” Alec said in haste.

Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose. “Give me a break, Lightwood. I’ve already been scared. Be a good guy, and bear with my undeniable urge to chastise you.” Alec nodded, biting his lower lip.

Alec glanced at the coffee table, his mobile was there, sleeping. He didn’t lie when he said he wanted Magnus stayed with him. If you put two strong-willed men in the same cage, tension was inevitable and Magnus wasn’t a hard man to get along with. Alec glanced at the bathroom, Magnus was still in there. Considering the faint murmur hallowed from the bathroom, he was grumbling and Alec was the target of his nice words.

He took his mobile to check. Jem had sent a text 4 in the morning. They were preparing for their trip to NY. They would be in her in three days. It would cause new problems for Alec. He was not as quick as the others regarding some situations, but even Alec Lightwood could notice his bond with them made Magnus nervous. His phone almost flew from his hand as Magnus appeared in the living room. Damned the man, and his cat-like steps.

“You look guilty.” Magnus pointed as he placed the clothes and medical junk on the table.

“You’ve just told me I should have been feeling guilty.”

“Nice words, but it won’t save your neck. Can you lift your ass without my help?”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

Magnus shook the fabric in his hand, kneeling down with a fluid move. Alec’s thick eyebrows almost reached his hairline. “What the…”

Magnus threw him a dirty look. “I am going to help you to dress that infernal boxer, idiot.”

Alec stretched out his hands in alarm. He shoved Magnus on his shoulders a bit. “I can do it. I can do it.”

The sociologist didn’t argue, he gave the underwear to Alec, backing. He continued to sit on the carpet, arms crossed on his chest. “OK.” He said patiently.

He began to watch Alec with an impassive expression on his face as he tried to lean forward. Magnus understood Alec somehow. It was a private thing, putting clothes on your naked skin. Helping someone to dress up also meant to breach his personal space. The task turned into frustrating and excruciating activity for both parts. Getting dress was a simple chore people learned in childhood, incapable of doing something so basic must be aggravated a man like Alec Lightwood.

Alec didn’t calculate, the fresh wound on his abdomen and stitches would hurt that much when he bent over to his feet. He gasped loudly, his breath caught. “Fuck…”

He straightened himself up in pain, clutching his abdomen, tears were burning his eyes. Magnus didn’t move, just watching him.

“Say it,” Alec hissed. “Say it, I’ve told you.”

“Nope.” Magnus emphasized the last letters. “I’ll wait until I see if you pop a stitch or not. Bleeding would be a pleasant bonus for my eternal nagging.”

Alec couldn’t help himself and laughed. “I deserved it anyway.”

“When you asked so nicely…”

Magnus pulled up the underwear to his thighs. “Your turn.” He turned his head as Alec lifted himself and struggled with it, a cheerful smile tugged at his lips.  Alec agreed in his mind, Magnus’s neck looked so delectable that he would love to remain his mark with his lips and teeth.

Alec was sitting so well-behaved Magnus didn’t prevent his snicker. His modesty was enjoyably contradicted by the fact that he was only wearing a boxer and a towel. “I don’t want to mention the towel is useless now.”

“Will you help me for the dressing?” Alec gave a lopsided grin, pointing the adhesive pads.

Magnus was lithe, he stood up with a quick move, pleased by the flirtious behaviour of Alec. Alec always envied his grace whenever he moved. He ran his hand through Alec’s hair as he walked towards the kitchen. “You are a big boy; you can win a magnificent glory against the pads.”

Alec snorted. He had a hair on his chest, trailing down to the south, and covered his legs. It wasn’t a pelt, but he was hairier than Magnus. One thing he hated was peeling band aids from his skin, especially the highly adhesive kinds. It usually seemed like the result of a weird waxing procedure at the end.

“Just rip it off, Alec.” Magnus called. He placed a pan on the kitchen counter with a loud bang.

“It’s easy for you to say.” Alec shot back.

He tentatively peeled the corner of the pad. Alec closed his eyes and took a deep breath. No pain, no gain his mind reminded. He pulled the pad off using a fast twist of his hand, tears bursting in his eyes from the sharp sting.

“Christ! It hurts. How the hell women can bear it?”

Magnus looked around to find a bowl. He took the eggs from the fridge. He had started the coffee machine as soon as he woke up, it had already been stopped. He felt satisfaction when he saw the dark liquid without a reason, then he remembered coffee was forbidden for Alec during his recovery. Magnus sighed.

“Bear what?”

“Waxing!” Alec yelled, irritated.

“Women can push a baby approximately 20 inches in height, and average 7.5 lbs of weight through a canal where only a lemon can pass. So?”

“I don’t want to know.” Alec groaned. “One down, one to go. Ow! Ow!” Alec peeled the pad from his abdomen.

“You are such a child. Is there any bleeding or a popped stitch?”

Alec lowered his head. Another permanent scar on his body. Alec Lightwood carried his scars with pride. They showed how he made his way through the life. The scars were the markers how he had spent his years building walls around his soul. They were the never-healing wound in his mind, the pain he had finally been ignored as he forlornly hoped one day he would be free of. They were the shadows of an alternate life Alec Lightwood had dreamt in his childhood, he had never had a courage to pursue. The scars he couldn’t see, but he knew they were on his back taught him the bitter taste of betrayal and guilt of the survival.

The stitches seemed normal, smooth, no reddish skin, rash or leaking fluid from sutures. “Everything seems fine.”

“Good to know. Don’t forget the antiseptic cream.”

“Yes, mom.” Alec said, bemused. He applied the cream anyway. Alec carefully closed the wounds with new pads.

Magnus was surprised as he found a box of tea in the cupboard shelves. It wasn’t expired yet. “Do you drink tea since coffee is forbidden?”

“Not like that much.” Alec replied. “Orange juice is fine.”

“Acidic fruit juices don’t mix well with antibiotics they say, I am not sure. So water or tea like a coloured water?”

“Water, please.” Alec placed his hands on the armrests to support himself, lifting up with a geriatric move.

“What are you doing?” Magnus asked, frowning.

He spooned the scrambled eggs on toasts. He wasn’t the wounded one, then he could drink coffee, right? For a moment he considered to garnish the eggs using some fruit or vegetable. Magnus immediately gave up the idea, Alec would most likely not to be happy with his sense of humour. He spent a lot of time to shape his hair in the morning, decorating it with egg yolk ruined the effort.

“Going to the sofa.” Alec said briefly. “I lay down in there in my underwear, cover myself with the blanket, watching basketball match and sulk.”

“Put your shirt on at least. Do you have a bed tray?”

“It’s in the cabinet to your left.”

He supposed Alec wouldn’t wear the large shirt he had found in the drawer just for the sake of pissing Magnus off. The shirt was very old and had admirable holes in the fabric. Alec amazed him when he wore the shirt. Magnus watched his tedious steps to the bed. Alec nested himself, took the remote, starting to sulk.

Most of the single people had bed trays. It was a highly usable item for eating and gaining weight in front of the TV. Magnus didn’t have one, his mother had never allowed him to eat in his bed, even if he had been sick. The habit didn’t fade away. Dr Bane ate his all meals on the table. He was going to make an exception for Alec.

When he put the tray on the bed, Alec looked at him with a sullen face. Magnus only shrugged and sat cross-legged. He sipped from his coffee. “You are not a coffee addict so don’t look at me like you want to snap my head off.”

Alec didn’t reply, instead of, he stabbed his fork into the poor egg mountain. “Now, the remote is under my control, there will be no negotiation about it.”

“Hıı-hıım.” Magnus said non-chalantly.

Alec shook his fork. “I am serious. My house, my rules.”

“Eat your breakfast, Alec. I know here is your house.” He smiled.

Alec glared at him in disbelief. He never believed Magnus Bane when he behaved docile. They ate their breakfast in silence. Magnus didn’t make any move to conquer the control of the remote. Alec was feeling relieved, but he was getting suspicious. Magnus might have had some tricky plan. Alec watched him as he carried the tray to the kitchen with narrowed eyes. Something was brewing, he was sure. Something was coming. Alec took his pills, gulped without a water. He found a basketball match and began to watch while Magnus placed the dishwasher. Magnus returned to his side with a large bowl in his hands and his e-book reader. There weren’t any dangerous inclinations in his moves as yet.

Magnus got into the sofa bed, putting the bowl filled with organic chips between them. He plugged the earphones on the e-book reader and wore them, starting to read a book. Now, this much of meekness and easy-going behaviour didn’t become Dr Magnus Bane. There might have been some plan. Oh, Alec’s brain suddenly saw the scheme of the evil doctor, very bright indeed. Magnus was going to test his resolve.

Alec was relaxed, if this was the villainous plan, so be it. A cold beer would be lovely, but alcohol was on the forbidden list too, much to Alec’s disappointment. He could win the game. He side-glanced at the Magnus, making himself more comfortable. He decided to enjoy the match.

Magnus read, Alec watched through the minutes. Magnus occasionally ate a chip, never lifted up his head from the book as Alec was getting restless. If it was the demonstration about the future, it was a valuable lesson. Agent Lightwood lost his patience at the 20 minutes of comfort time for Magnus Bane. He removed the earphone from Magnus’s ear, slipped the control in his hand in defeat.

“You won. We’ll watch whatever you want.”

Magnus knitted his eyebrows. “You can watch your match. I am fine.”

Alec shook his head hastily. “No, I understand. What do you want to watch?”

Alec supposed he didn’t like Magnus’ selection, however, the show intrigued him from the first episode. They were men, in fact like any other men in the world, they were still boys that loved anything about pirates. Besides, he discovered a new trick. Since he had been put the bowl on his lap, Magnus had to move closer to him. Their legs lightly brushed each other.

Four episodes later, Alec declared the show was perfect and he was willing to see the next season.


	5. Chapter 5

Magnus tugged Alec’s head under his arm, covering him with a blanket. His voice was sleepy. The heat coming from Magnus’ body and after the shock of a fainting spell, Alec felt himself tired. He unconsciously leaned the other body, resting his head on his neck, his leg heavily pressing Magnus’s thigh. Magnus wrapped his arm around him for support. The mixed scents of Magnus, sandalwood soap and shampoo filled Alec’s nose, soothing him.

Alec sighed, his hazel eyes were fighting against the sleep. He felt long, magician’s fingers combed his hair, slowly and deliberately. Alec shivered, it was so good, finally feeling himself protected and safe with a touch of irrefutable pleasure.

“When we discharged I was the only one who hasn’t a home.” Alec murmured. “I didn’t know where would I go or what would I do?” Magnus tightened his arm in silence. “I needed a shelter. Izzy was in LA, and Jace was in Norfolk. I stayed with them if I wanted it, but I didn’t want it. I needed something that they couldn’t give me.”

“What did you need?” Magnus asked softly.

“Acceptance. I don’t mean my sexuality. Izzy and Jace had already accepted. I struggled with PTSD. I was like a forgotten kite in the air, waving without an anchor. My pre-military life had been vaporized a long time ago, I didn’t have any connections with my old friends, my own parents disowned me. Izzy has always supported me. She’s my little sister, it was not the problem.”

“What about Jace?”

“I didn’t want to stay with him.” Alec buried his face on the warm skin. “Jace would have hugged me without any question, but he could never understand what I felt. I was discharged while my brother was climbing the steps of rank quickly. I didn’t want to remember I was failed.”

Magnus lightly kissed his thick hair. “You were not failed. What did you do?”

“Julian invited me. He didn’t want to go to his home in a hurry. I hung out with him for a few months. We were on the road, and I didn’t think. Then we heard Jem diagnosed with cancer. It was like a blow on our face Magnus. It was so unfair. We survived from so much darkness that we couldn’t speak about it. It was like...as if the best man I’ve ever known was punished because of our sins. Julian couldn’t bear it either. We separated, I tried to visit them, but Will didn’t accept. Jem was in chemo and he wasn’t good.”

Magnus was hesitated even though he knew if he didn’t ask now, he would not have a chance in future. “Alec...Why did your team discharged?”

Alec inhaled sharply, strained in his arms. There was a long silence between them as Alec tried to decide. He trusted Magnus, he locked up everything in his chest for an insufferable period of time. “It was classified.” He murmured finally. “I can only say someone betrayed us. Will and I captured in the enemy zone, held in there for twelve days.”

Magnus closed his eyes for a moment. The truth, more hurtful than a lie. He didn’t know what to say. Whatever he would say it wouldn’t be enough. Alec Lightwood had been needed the wings of his parents, and they hadn’t been in there when he had needed them at most.

“You’re tortured.” Now, Magnus knew where those scars on Alec’ back coming from. He also learned what the unnamed member had done.

Alec nodded quietly. “It affected us in different ways. The Shadowhunters had always been a tight group. We believed we were loyal to each other. The incident disrupted our bond. I was like a fish out of water, gasping for breathing, trying for returning back to the water. Those men were my life for six years.”

“You have me.” Magnus felt the curving of his lips on his skin, he relaxed. “When did you return NY?”

“I was born in here, grew up in NY. I always loved the city. I finally returned to my fold four months after our discharge. I was homeless at first. I slept in the streets in the first week.” Magnus bit his lower lip. He hated Robert and Maryse Lightwood, and he would never forgive them. “I found a shit hole near to the harbour. When I needed money, I went to the harbour, there is always a job for a strong man. It wasn’t that bad. They respected me since I was a veteran. Some people even tried to find me a real job as a sailor. Yes, it wasn’t bad. Those men tried to help me while my parents were living in an upper crust side of the city and their books about parenting hit the bestseller list.” Alec smiled sadly.

“Alec...Do you not have money?” Magnus paused, it was a deeply personal question.

“I didn’t spend a lot in the army. You didn’t have a time for it by the way.” Alec snorted. “I saved a lot. They paid us a large sum of compensation too. I didn’t want to spend it until I found a stable job and life. Meeting Luke was my chance. I used it.”

“Hope you don’t think I am too curious for my sake, but how could you buy this house?”

 “Don’t worry, people always ask me the same question, including internal affairs. I didn’t buy the house, I inherited, it was unfortunately a sad story. I had a cousin, Dora Lightwood, she’d never been married or had children and she had suffered from ALS. Some of my family members waited her demises like vultures because she didn’t have inheritors. Three weeks after her death, it revealed she had changed her will. Izzy had her all jewellery, furnitures, anything in her home, Jace had her money and I had the house. We didn’t know she included us in her will. They challenged, but they lost. You could their screams we are talking about a few millions of worth estate. I owed a lot to her.”

Magnus laughed sincerely. “I bet. She must have been a good woman.”

“She was.” Alec said in sorrow. “She was an eccentric, a hermit. She didn’t leave her house in the last ten years. They had all supposed her house would be a mess, a nightmare caused by a compulsive hoarder, but everything was in pristine condition. She was a lonely woman with an unsung intelligent. When we were young, we sometimes visited her. Dora treated us like an adult, we drank tea from paper thin China, ate cinnamon biscuits. Izzy adored her. Dora and I exchanged letters through my tours. She loved to write letters.”

Magnus placed his hand on Alec’s chest, patting slowly. Alec exhaled a soft puff. The connection, the closeness, it was different from he had had with his team mates. They were much alike in some ways, yet they were mirror contrasts on particular things. In this cocooned world, safety in his house, it was easy to believe they were solid. As a matter of fact that they were, they had already been a couple without realizing it.

“May I ask you something?” Alec muttered doubtfully.

“You don’t need my permission.”

“You said Camille was the love of your life. Are you still in love with her?” Alec was nervous, getting stressed from the expected answer.

Magnus rested his head back on the pillow, looking at the dancing particles in the air. “I was wrong. She had never been the love of my life. It was an illusion. There is nothing left in my heart for her.”

“What about the others?”

Magnus didn’t reply immediately. “No one was important.”

Alec lifted his head up, smiling. “If I say I wanted you to kiss me, would you kiss me?”

Magnus lowered his head in sudden, his eyes narrowed with suspicion. “How many pills did you take?”

Alec laughed. “I am not that high.”

“Seriously?” Magnus raised an eyebrow.

“I am serious, Magnus. I never kissed a guy. I wonder what it feels like.”

“You are jagged, Alec. It’s not a good idea. Why don’t we wait until you feel good?”

Alec didn’t feel disappointment, Magnus didn’t object the idea completely at least. He just wanted to move in cautiously. “Just one kiss. That’s all.”

“Why me?” Magnus asked the most dangerous question.

They were not ready for the L-word, but Alec knew the balance of emotions between them had already been changed. “Because...I can not think someone other than you.”

Magnus held his breath, his gold-brown eyes met with the hazel oceans. “Really?”

Alec nodded, propped himself carefully on his elbow, leaning on Magnus’ face. “Will you kiss me?”

Magnus closed his eyes helplessly. “Yes,” He whispered.

“Then, open your eyes and kiss me, Magnus Bane.” His voice was soft, barely audible.

Magnus opened his eyes as he put his hand on Alec’s nape, raising himself a little. Their lips brushed lightly. It was awkwardly tentative and hesitant at first. Alec placed his hand on Magnus’s chest. His lips parted, waiting. Their kiss suddenly deepened. Magnus pressed his lips for a more demanding kiss as Alec realized he welcomed the invading tongue in his mouth. He moaned without realizing. It was different, it was so good. Magnus released his hand, sliding his arm around Alec for support. Alec shifted closer unconsciously, his hand cupped Magnus’ cheek as he relaxed himself. Magnus groaned with a throaty voice, their lips were still locked, tongues were still licking and entwining. Magnus knew he should have stopped, he should have cut this madness, but he couldn’t. He had already been surrendered into those unspoken feelings. The heat, the undeniable need, the desire and the dizzying sensation of having Alec in his arms. All hesitance turned into something more dangerous, riskier than anything they had done in the past. Lust. It wasn’t a simple curiosity, not anymore. It was passionate, leading the way the feeding of carnal instincts.

Alec slowly moved his head back, his cheeks tinted with red, breathing quickly. “I guess we got a little carried away.”

Magnus nodded in shock. He was more surprised when he grabbed Alec, pulling him down and kissed him again. Alec didn’t object as he proved he was a good student. He leaned forward and kissed Magnus firmly. He felt those beautiful lips curled into a smile under the invasion. Magnus loved every moment of Alec’ desire, but they should have stopped before they would mess up and hurt Alec. He pushed Alec gently, whatever it was both of them were respectful against the other’ wish, always. Alec moved back, Magnus traced his finger through the gorgeous lines of Alec’ face, smiling.

“You are still hurt.”

“I am fine.” Alec groaned, he didn’t like Magnus was right. The pain was light, but persistent. It’s clear that he wasn’t ready for any horizontal gymnastics movements.

Magnus sighed. “Liar. You should try to rest while I am preparing our next meals.”

“The doc said I need exercise.” Alec gave him a lopsided grin.

“I am sure your doc didn’t mean fornication.” Magnus looked at him, his dark eyes were sparkling with humour.

“I really hate your vocabulary.” Alec said calmly.

“You don’t know nothing about my vocabulary, darling. I had to improve it or I didn’t understand anything my father said.”

Alec shook his head fondly, snorting. “You are such a buzzkill.”

“No, dear. I am a sensible and rational man. I’d love to explore the magnificent map of your body. My expedition should not be cut by the sudden necessity for rushing to ER.” Alec blushed to the hairline of his hair as Magnus laughed.

“OK.” Alec mumbled.

Magnus patted his shoulder. “Stay here and enjoy our domesticity.”

He shifted until he could manage to drag himself from the sofa, Magnus kissed his heated cheek mischievously and winked. Alec exhaled a long breath, Magnus slowly pulled down the walls around him, he didn’t have any resistance. His escape route had already been destroyed. Alec placed himself on the bed carefully as he watched Magnus. Love was a funny thing.

Magnus did cook, he wasn’t the number one chef in the world, but he didn’t poison any of his guests. Not yet anyway. He could make something simple like chicken and vegetables. They could eat for late lunch and use leftovers for a sandwich at dinner. Magnus was thinking deeply. The certain movements of making a meal helped him. Alec was enthusiastic about the physical side of their relationship, and it would be Alec’ first time. It gave such a responsibility on his shoulders. Magnus really wanted to be inside of him, he wanted _this_ intimacy and sharing. There was no denial on the subject. He was thinking about Alec for a long time. There were important points that should be considered. Alec had insecurities rooted from his upbringing. Magnus did not want him to panic after they did. Magnus glanced at the sofa. Alec turned to his side, curling up. He must have fallen asleep since he was silent for at least fifteen minutes. His heart sunk a little for Alec, the body under the blanket looked so vulnerable. His dislike of Alec’s parents was now a settled and firm opinion.

Magnus was older than him, more experienced, he might have not seen such darkness of the humanity like Alec, but he had seen strange things in his life he couldn’t tell. Magnus didn’t like to talk about his young hood. He didn’t lie when he said he had always sent to the most expensive schools, but he never spoke about his life in the dormitories. It wasn’t easy to being the child of a man that half of the human population on Earth believed he was a real demon. During his bitter voyage, Magnus didn’t have a lot of friends. His peers had mostly kept themselves away from him. It wasn’t better than the bullying. Magnus could have coped with physical or verbal attacks, but how a child could have handled the fact that they had been afraid of him because they all believed his father was a Lord of the Hell?

He lived his obsession in secret. Magnus dedicated his life to prove whether Asmodeus was a demon or not. Even his mother believed his son was a devil spawn. Would it be fair to his partner? Alec had his own problems, and supposed Magnus was a problem-free man.

Dr Magnus Bane didn’t take his place in the academic world declaring by his belief in the supernatural. His close friends, Ragnor Fell and Dr Catarina Loss tried to understand their friend’ desponding obsession. They had even helped him, however, it only caused further sinking into the complicated history of supernatural and paranormal. Magnus adjusted the web browser for an alert anything about related to Asmodeus and evidence for his nature. His mobile warned him a couple of times through the day. Someone in the Earth wrote something about Asmodeus again.

Magnus didn’t run to his laptop. He was firm about it despite the itching. He sliced the vegetables and chicken breasts, putting in a glass bowl, pouring oil on them. Magnus placed the bowl in the oven. He made himself a coffee. Now, he was ready for the another absurdity of human beings.

Magnus sipped from the mug as he waited his laptop fired up. Humans believed odd things, their beliefs sometimes resulted with mass hysteria, murder and mayhem; such as the Salem Witch Trials. Modern day academics tried to understand the incidents in 1692 under the light of biological explanations as some of them preferred to explain with human behaviours. Magnus was the side on Ergotism, poisoning by fungus infected rye bread. Ergotism was characterized by convulsions, mental effects like mania, nausea and vomiting. The food intoxication could be an easy explanation for bewitchment. Magnus published an article about Salem Trials. It didn’t give him a fame, but he had had a respectable number of citations.

A husky voice asked. “What are you doing?”

Magnus winced. He didn’t notice Alec woke up from his nap and looking at him sleepily. “A little work.”

“In your medical leave?”

“You are on medical I am on compulsory leave.”

Alec frowned. “What are you working on?”

Magnus stared at his laptop. “My itsy bitsy tiny hobby, whether my father is a demon or not?”

“ _Pardon_?”

Magnus leaned back, biting his lower lip. “I know, I know. It sounds stupid, but I can’t save myself. You couldn’t when your own mother frequently said that you’re the spawn of a devil or billions of people supposed your father is a real fallen angel. A persistent obsession from my poor childhood.”

 Alec didn’t laugh at him. “We all have a one. I don’t think it’s stupid. Why don’t you come up here and show me?”

Magnus stared at him, what had Alec said to him? He had waited acceptance. Alec would accept him with his all quirks and glories. It was enough. Magnus nodded silently. He took his laptop, and settled beside Alec. He opened the alerted web site. “The Clues: Asmodeus might be a Real Demon”. Magnus sighed hopelessly. If it was another dissection of his lyrics, he would drown himself in sorrow with a huge bottle of vodka.  Alec placed his hand on his thigh, squeezing lightly.

_“No one saw him in a Church.”_

“Is this the clue?” Magnus claimed angrily. “My father is a deist. Asmodeus always talks about his beliefs or his sexuality, openly and carelessly. He more than once said in his interviews he believed in God, but he is not a member of any religion. Then, this useless writer thinks it is an evidence?”

“He or she thinks it’s a clue.” Alec murmured.

“It doesn’t change the fact that the writer is an airhead.” Magnus huffed. “What about visiting a mosque or a synagogue or a Buddhist temple? She, by the way. I don’t think Esmeralda is a male name.”

“Calm down.” Alec said softly. “Her all evidence are not even circumstantial at least.”

“Don’t laugh at me, Alec Lightwood.”

Alec opened his hands. “I am just trying to settle your nerves.”

Magnus skimmed over the writings on the website. _“Cats don’t like him.”_

“Whoa!” Magnus hissed. “How does she know that? Mom told me he had an ocelot named Speckles in 70’s! An ocelot. A fucking wild cat!”

“Magnus...Why are you so angry?” Alec asked hesitantly.

Magnus Bane inhaled sharply. He turned his face to Alec. “Everyone assumed that I had a big, expensive and enviable childhood with all his money. The truth is...The kids didn’t want to be close to me like I had a kind of contagious disease, they were afraid of me because their families were afraid of my lineage. My mother...whenever she was angry she accused me of being Rosemary’s child. I am tired of it. Some people still hesitate around me, Alec.” Magnus clenched his teeth against the invading tears.

Alec shifted to wrap his arm around Magnus’ neck. His free hand cupped his chin. “Hey, look at me. I don’t think you are a child of a demon, if you believe it, even it was impossible but it’s true in some way, I don’t care. You are Dr Magnus Bane, my partner, my friend...You are the man...” Alec gulped nervously. “You are the man I really like to be in a relationship.”

“We should work on the romanticism.” Magnus sobbed, trying to smile as Alec brushed the quiet tears from his face.

“We have time, don’t we?”

“Yes.” Magnus whispered.

Alec grinned, he held his partner’ hand, twining their fingers together. “Now, tell me what happened to his Ocelot?”

“Died of natural causes. If I am not wrong Speckles died when he was 19 years old. My father doted upon him, and Speckles adored Asmodeus. He shows Speckle’s diamond collar in his personal museum.”

“His personal museum?” Alec paused for a moment.

“His ego is bigger than the planet.” Magnus snorted. “Probably wider than the universe.”

“You shouldn’t spend your time for such a nonsense.” Alec closed his eyes as he read the third clue.

_He only goes mineral springs for holidays, because he loves the scent of sulphur._

When Magnus looked up at it, his shoulders slumped in defeat. “I can tell why he always goes to mineral springs, but it won’t be proper for your innocent ears.”

Alec snickered. “I am not that innocent.”

“Regarding to the habits of my father, we all are. The main steps in his food pyramid are nicotine, caffeine and cold vodka. I refuse to specify other ingredients.”

“How old is he?”

“60, but he looks like he is in mid forties. The other source of their beliefs, he is not getting older like them.”

“Is he?”

“Who knows?” Magnus sighed. “It’s all about genetics, I think.”

Alec touched the screen with his index finger. “Esmeralda said his tattoo mocks people’s beliefs. What kind of a tattoo is it?”

“A barbed wire on his forehead. It seems Esmeralda doesn’t work on her essay. Everyone knows it’s a result of mixing psychedelic rock phase of their group and three days long trip. Asmodeus and TattsMan, his guitarist had woken up in a wasteyard in Amsterdam without their clothes on, only wearing tattoos. Asmodeus had on his forehead, and TattsMan on his bum. They say they still don’t remember how they two went to Holland or when they got the tattoos. He always mentions it’s a miracle he didn’t get crabs or catch any venereal disease in those years.”

“Oh my God.” Alec couldn’t stop himself, he laughed. “Then, what is the problem, Magnus?”

Magnus ran his hand through his spiked hair. “He sometimes says or does really disturbing things.”

“Like what?” Alec said carefully.

“I was in the college,” Magnus muttered reluctantly. “My dissertation was about the Salem Witch Trials. You don’t expect from him, but Asmodeus has a good grasp of history, especially on subjects about the inquisition and bewitchment. I called him and he spoke about the trials for an hour. I took notes. When I got through the literature I realized some of the things he said were extremely detailed and not recorded in anywhere.”

“It doesn’t prove anything, Magnus.”

“I am aware of it. I presumed he had some hidden books or records. What bothers me is...Listen, I am ten years older than you and I perfectly remember the first tiny steps of the internet age. You don’t believe what kind of things revealed in the web sites. Almost all of them are removed now and I dedicated my life to find Asmodeus’ tellings in history. They had never been on any web sites even in the age of chaos. I communicated with every library, academic, conspiracy theorist, madmen or museum in years. Nothing. No fucking one knows those details. It scares me beyond anything.”

“It turned into an idee-fix in your mind. Maybe, he has a very simple explanation.” Alec said thoughtfully. “Did you ask him?”

Magnus moved away from him like a sulky child. “You are being obtuse.”

“No.” Alec replied with patience, his thumb slowly stroked Magnus’s palm. “You are afraid of your father, I am afraid of my father too, but for different reasons. I know Robert Lightwood, I am afraid of his reactions, you are afraid of his reality. You’ve already accepted some part of his life. You don’t accept those clues as truth.  I’ve never had a strong relationship with my father even though we lived in the same house. Asmodeus Bane lives in another country, and never came here. _You_ rarely visited him. You have never had a chance for developing genuine feelings or discussion about the differences. You almost learned everything about him from outsiders. It naturally disrupts a bond between a father and child. Is your mother religious?”

Magnus nodded. “She is not strict, but, yes.”

Alec smiled, raising Magnus’s hand and kissed his wrist softly. Their relationship was permanently changing. Magnus trusted Alec and he wasn’t ready to confess, he loved him. Magnus didn’t think they were rushing. It had developed slowly, based on their respect to each other as he should grant it was bit confusing for both of them.

“Do you love her?”

“Mom? She is unbearable sometimes, she wasn’t bad either. I love her, she is my mother.” Magnus shrugged. “Do you think it’s wrong?”

“It’s not wrong. Even though they disowned me, I still love my parents. Would you try to think alike your mother for a moment? You said she is religious. It must have not been so easy for her. She had a child without a wedlock,  father of his child is a famous rock star. What did her circle say to her? What did her parents do when she had you? You don’t know what she dealt with. How did she meet Asmodeus by the way if he never came here?”

“She was in Britain for a student exchange program. I am not sure she studied anything scientific.”

Alec chewed his lower lip to prevent his smiling. “What were her parents behaviour?”

“Not good.” Magnus sighed. “We rarely went their house and mom always looked so tensed. They usually stabbed her with carefully chosen words. When I was ten, we completely stopped visiting. We only exchanged Christmas cards for years. Grandfather died ten years ago, my grandmother passed away a year later. She doesn’t like to talk about them.”

Alec leaned slightly and kissed Magnus’ cheek, he winced when the stitches strained. “Call your father and ask him how does he know something like that.” Alec suggested.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all comments, reads, kudos and bookmarks. I look forward to your new comments and criticism.

“Are you planning to return back to the Academy?” Asmodeus said curiously. Magnus called him, and asked the question. He wasn’t sounded surprised.

“I am evaluating my options.” Magnus replied, tensing.

“Make sense. Where is your Alec?”

Alec heard the words, raising his eyebrows. Magnus rubbed his forehead. He would refuse to talk about fathers, whom they’re enjoying the embarrassment of their children. “Sitting next to me.”

“Well done, son.” Asmodeus laughed. “Is he naked?”

“Father!” Magnus hissed, he was mortified. Alec began to cough as if a fish bone stuck in his throat. Magnus threw him a murderous look.

“What? It’s a perfect question since I am worried about my son’s single life.”

“You’ve never been married.” Magnus reminded.

“You don’t need to follow my path, Magnus. Put me on the speaker.”

“He hears you without a speaker.” Magnus said through his teeth.

Alec elbowed him, his face was dark red. He tried to breath regularly, but it was impossible he couldn’t decide whether he would curl up on the bed and die or he would burst out laughing in any second. Neither choice would be wise.

“Do it for God’s sake!” Alec whispered. Magnus touched the speaker button. Asmodeus had a raspy voice, Alec thought his voice created for singing ballads. Velvet, whiskey and honey. Those words easily described his voice.

“Thank you, Alec.” Asmodeus said pleasantly. “Please correct me if I misunderstood. Are we going through a parent and child therapy under your supervision?”

Alec’s mouth dropped, he looked at Magnus in panic as he shrugged. “Err...I guess so?”

“You have a nice voice, not for singing, but enough for a lover’s scream to fuck.” Alec froze, he evaluated the possibility of opening up the ground by sudden earthquake and swallowing him. They unfortunately were not living in the active zone.

Magnus slapped his hand on his forehead. “I don’t need therapy, I hate you.”

“You don’t hate me. You are undecided, it’s different. How old are you?”

“Older than thirty.” Alec said hesitantly.

“It’s a respectful and solid time for a man. As a responsible father, I should ask some questions.”

“Okay.” Alec muttered.

“If I have a daughter, I should have asked about your family’s wealth and your financial status. I have a son, and I wonder what your family is doing.” Magnus rolled his eyes.

“Both my parents are psychiatrists. I think they are doing good financially. I don’t have any relation with their wealth. They disowned me when I said I was gay so I just have a house and my monthly income, that’s all. My sister is an actress, and she’s successful. My brother is in the army, he is an officer.”

“Ah,” Asmodeus paused for a moment. “Such a shame. It seems all of you found their way in the life. It would be enough for a responsible father. I would like to meet you.”

“We are not going to visit you in London.” Magnus warned.

“I really wonder about his IQ level sometimes. Have you ever heard a useful telecommunication application named Skype? You don’t have any Apple product so Facetime is out of the question.”

“He’s right.” Alec said innocently. Magnus narrowed his eyes.

Alec didn’t know what he had to expect, but Asmodeus was an attractive man. He was tall and wiry, had long silver, dark hair with pale face and gold-green eyes. He was wearing a pristine clean white shirt, carrying a tall glass full with colourless liquid.

“What time is it in London?” Magnus said. “Is it not a bit early for a vodka?”

Asmodeus rolled his eyes. “It’s too hard to lose a bad reputation. Don’t worry, it’s happy hour somewhere, Magnus. Tell me Alec, has he still got that obsession, me being a demon at all?”

Alec cleared his throat. “A lot of people think like that. What is your real name?”

Asmodeus laughed, his shoulders shook lightly. “Even my own mother doesn’t remember it. I’ve always been Asmodeus, Bane is my real surname so I gave it to my son.”

“It’s a little interesting choice for a name, isn’t it?”

Asmodeus lifted an eyebrow. “Perhaps. My great-grandfather called me as a little demon.” He cracked a snicker. “I was a brat, the whole neighbourhood was fed up with my terror. Magnus inherited his naughty side from me.”

 “I would be surprised if you passed something good.” Magnus muttered as if he was in pain.

“Magnus!” Alec scolded him angrily.

“He deserved it.” Magnus shrugged.

Asmodeus flicked the screen with his long finger. “I wasn’t even twenty when Magnus was born. His mother was the most exotic beauty I’ve ever seen. I suppose he never forgave me since I didn’t come to see him.”

Magnus huffed. “Don’t overvalue yourself.”

“The problem is he never asked why I didn’t come.”

Magnus blinked, he was highly bemused. “Now, I am the guilty one?”

Asmodeus sighed, sipping from the glass, his fingers brushed the condensation. “Do you think a demon can be afraid of heights, Alec?”

“You are afraid of flying?” Magnus exclaimed. “You are such a liar. You had toured around the world!”

“I had never been in America or Australia, I always went to places I can reach without flying. So I am a demon with an aviophobia.” Asmodeus snorted, Alec shamefully realized that even his snorting had a certain elegance.

Someone had to take Magnus’ jaw from the floor. He looked stunned. “Close your mouth, Magnus.” Alec warned.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?” Magnus said helplessly.

“Why didn’t you ask?” Asmodeus replied in a low voice. “It’s nothing about you or your mother, Magnus. She was a stunning beauty, but she couldn’t live with me, with my reputation or my sinful lyrics. It was just a fun when we were young. It entertained all of us, me being a demon. As we matured, it had lost its charm.”

“You are not being helpful when you are sixty, but looking like a forty five years old.” Magnus said.

A laugh escaped from Asmodeus’ thin lips. “You should be grateful since you owe your young-looking to me. If I am to be honest, I did get some help from advanced surgery methods.”

“You had a plastic surgery?” Magnus couldn’t believe what he heard.

Asmodeus grinned. “Yeah. Don’t look at me like I ruined your dreams.”

“You’ve just done it.” Magnus murmured. “I don’t think a demon needs a plastic surgery. How do you know such things about the Salem Trial? You can’t dodge my question.”

Asmodeus tapped his fingers on the table. “People usually underestimate the academic capability of a singer. I suppose people also underestimates your skills, Alec. Am I wrong?”

“You are right.” Magnus answered hastily. “Don’t change the subject.”

Asmodeus paused for a moment. “Do you know where your mother met me? We met in the _campus_ , not in a concert as everyone believes. I have a bachelor degree in history. My great-great-grandfather was a history professor, he was married to an American woman whom her ancestors lived in Salem. She collected folk stories. I have her work. It was never published. I could send it to you.”

Magnus inhaled a deep breath. “So this is the source of your knowledge?”

“What did you think? I was in Salem four hundred years ago, witnessed the mass hysteria or created the whole scene?”

“I think this should be the point where your parent-child session is going down the hill in speed.” Alec said calmly.

“We need this point.” Asmodeus smiled. “There are some things about me should be remained in the dark. It’s not related to being a demon or fallen angel, Alec. Every man has his own secrets. I was a star and I had so much fun, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have a file in MI-5.”

“A file in MI-5? What the fuck did you do?” Magnus asked harshly.

“When you are a rock-star, you can easily enter the places which are forbidden to ordinary people.” Asmodeus grinned. 

Alec lost his grip on himself and began to laugh. “Oh my God,  James Bond is your father.”

“I am better than him.” Asmodeus frowned as Magnus rubbed his face in desperation.

“Why me?” He moaned.

“You should have been proud of him, Magnus. He did it for his country.”

“Don’t mock me, young man.” Asmodeus shook his finger to the screen. He checked his watch. “We’ve been talking for an hour. As much as I am happy to chatting with you, I have an appointment. It’s nice to meet you, Alec. You should think about a wedding in London, Magnus.”

Alec blushed creepily as Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose. “It would be expensive.”

“I am rich.” Asmodeus reminded. “Oh wait, you are rich, too.”

“Goodbye, dad.” Magnus closed the screen, sighing loudly. “Now, you met the man.”

“He tried to be polite, but he’s dangerous. You should be careful around him.”

“I know.” Magnus bit his lower lip. “He likes you anyway.”

“You can come to America with a ship.” Alec touched the laptop’s upper case in thought.

Magnus winced. “I don’t understand.”

“There is always a way.” Alec muttered. “Aviophobia is not an excuse. It would take more than a week, but you can use ships. He expertly gave you a thought for chewing.”

“You think he lied about the book too?”

“If he lied, he wouldn’t offer to send the book. I am not sure, you noticed, but he was nervous when you asked it, he wore a mask, and changing the subject continuously until there’s no escape route for him. Then, he came up with MI-5 file.”

“Alec....Are you trying to tell me my father is a demon?”

“No, I am trying to tell you, your father has a complicated background and does not want it to emerge. When was the last time he went for somewhere for a concert?”

“It must have been twenty years at least. He went to...Ah...”Magnus stopped, his eyes widened.

“Ah? Where did he go?”

“Moscow, where their drummer, Clover fell from a balcony under the heavy influence of drugs and died.” Magnus opened his laptop, he tapped the drummer’s name, clicking on the first website, he found.

_“Their glamorous tour ended with tragedy. Clover was the fixed figure in the group with TattsMan and Asmodeus. They had been hit the twenty year mark before the Moscow concert. It is widely known the drummer struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction for years. A witness revealed that Asmodeus and Clover had fought about his addiction after the concert since the drummer didn’t play in accordance with them. The tragedy had happened after midnight as Asmodeus and TattsMan went to a party while Clover stayed in the hotel. A superior in Moscow, police force stated that Clover mixed drugs with vodka, he went to the balcony for a fresh air and he lost his balance. They found syringes and empty bottles in his room._

_We couldn’t reach Asmodeus or TattsMan for a comment, the hotel staff murmured the police does not allow them to leave Moscow for now, but the case has already been filed as an accidental death. Clover’s model wife Sheila Storm is on her way to take her husband’s body.”_

They stared at each other. Magnus crossed his arms on his chest. “Do you think he killed him?”

“Not enough evidence.” Alec said curtly. “We should search for more.”

After two hours, several pages of information, even the autopsy report, Alec looked at the screen, frowning. “Asmodeus didn’t have a time, but TattsMan had. They didn’t reach the party at the same time. When Clover fell from the balcony, there was a solid witness for Asmodeus.”

“Yep, he was engaged in an intercourse with Angie, his friend’s wife.” Magnus snorted. “I’ve always wondered why TattsMan left the band. He simply adored my father. His adoration must have been ceased when his wife squirmed under his closest friend.”

Alec rested his hand on Magnus’ shoulder, squeezing lightly. “It also proves your father is just a human.”

“Really? Alec...Asmodeus is a demon of lust, responsible for twisted sexual encounters.”

“You know what...I don’t think your father forced her or did something twisted. She had willingly had sex with him, both Angie and Asmodeus confessed it wasn’t the first time for them. She had sex with all the men in the band.”

Magnus took his mobile. He brushed the thin layer covered the screen. “He slept with his closest friend’s wife. He ruined the most stable thing in his life, his band. He ruined his friendship with TattsMan. I remember Angie, I stayed with Asmodeus for a summer when I was fifteen. Her nickname was Lilith. She was a beautiful woman, almost otherworldly. I’ve never seen such long and blond hair in my life. Her eyes had the colour of lavender. She was so easy-going and funny, although I was just fifteen years old, I knew she was dangerous, she charmed the men. They flew into her like moths. The tragedy brewed in there.” Magnus said absent-mindedly.

“I am sorry.” Alec whispered.

“For what? They were adults, they should have known the consequences of their actions. Whatever he is, my father loved his band. I thought he cared about his friendship with Tatts.”

“What happened to them? I mean TattsMan and Angie.”

“He left the band, settled in France. No one knows where Angie is. She disappeared from the world after their divorce. TattsMan sometimes sends me postcards, he never speaks about him or the band. They’re all dead for him.”

Alec looked at the screen, there was a black and white photo on the Wikipedia page of Asmodeus. They were so young, carefree. A light haired young man wrapped his around Asmodeus’s waist, TattsMan, Alec felt his breath caught in his lungs as he noticed the look on the young man’ face. Alec placed his hand on the photo.

“Oh, Magnus...” He murmured. “You don’t see it, do you?”

“I don’t see, what?” Magnus asked in confusion.

“He loved him. He was in love with Asmodeus. It was not a simple adoration, it was love, Magnus. TattsMan was in love with someone who didn’t love him back as he wanted.”

“I...” Magnus blinked, watching the screen for a moment. “Oh God...He broke his heart. He never understood him.” Magnus clenched his hands into fists, breathing angrily.

 _“You broke TattsMan’s heart. Why?”_ He tapped the text in haste before Alec could take the mobile from his hand. He didn’t think he could give an answer, but his phone vibrated in seconds.

_“He broke my heart first.”_

Magnus ran his hand through his hair. The coloured spikes seemed to lose their highlighting. _“Did you love him?”_

_“Did he love me? Why did he marry to that bitch if he was in love with me? He betrayed us, and I took my revenge.”_

Magnus licked his upper lip. _“Was it really worth to destroy your band?”_

_“Our band had already been destroyed when he chose Angie over me. He deserved it.”_

_“Who killed Clover, father? TattsMan?”_

_“No one. He killed himself. If he didn’t fall, he would have died from an overdose at any moment.”_

Magnus leaned to Alec’s side as he held him tightly. _“Do you lie for protecting him?”_

The reply came without a hesitation. _“Yes.”_

_“Have you ever lied to protect him?”_

_“Yes.”_

Magnus looked at Alec in despair. “Alec...” Alec wrapped his hand around his shoulder, Magnus buried his face into the large chest. “What if he covered a murderer?” Magnus mumbled.

“It was 20 years ago in Moscow, far away of our jurisdiction. The case closed. Do you really want to know the truth?” Magnus nodded silently. “He is a smart man, he knew TattsMan had a chance, he was in bed with his wife, Magnus. He might have thought he owed him. He might have tried to save the man he had loved in the past. We can’t prove anything.”

“I need to know.” Magnus whispered. “I need to know why.”

“No one can answer you except him. I’ll be with you if you call him. I’ll always be in here for you, Magnus Bane even if I think a London wedding is a bit much for me.”

Magnus snorted a laugh, patting Alec’s chest. “Think about how Isabelle would show herself, it would be the next amazing wedding after Prince Harry’s. My father tends to exaggerate...” Magnus frowned. “He could turn into a father-in-law-zilla. Hey, look at the bright side Asmodeus the Glorious could sing at your wedding!”

“He would probably choose one of his songs that including the most provocative words.” Alec said nervously.

“Have you ever listened to my father’s songs?”

“No.”

“Then, it’s the time.” Magnus smiled. Magnus opened YouTube, entering his father’s name and the song’s name. “He sang this in Paris, in 1979 for the first time. My first time with his fame.”

The man in the clip had long dark hair, carefully nested in a pony tail. He was tall and thin, young and handsome. He waved his hand to the crowd with a wide grin in his face. There was a child in his arm. Alec turned his head to Magnus in shock.

“Are you...”

Magnus nodded. “Yep, it’s me.”

_“Hi everyone,” The crowd cheered, lights flashed, the candles burnt. “I would like to introduce my son, this is Magnus, Magnus they are your father’s fans.” The little Magnus looked he really liked the attention, his almond shaped eyes sparkled with joy as he waved. People screamed, the cheering reached the point of deafness._

_“He is beautiful, isn’t he?” Asmodeus asked. “Well, he is my son anyway.” A laugh roamed around the theatre. “I wrote this song for my son. I hope he would remember when he is forty years old, and share the fireplace’s heat with the love of his life. Tatts, let’s begin.”_

_The blond man grinned toothily as Asmodeus placed Magnus in a chair. Alec was surprised when his voice sounded so soft and caressing. It was all about a man who had wished a good life for his son._

“They said he had the voice of a siren.” Magnus muttered. “He could bewitch you with his voice, and it’s the truth. When he sings no one can resist him.”

It’s your choice Magnus, whether you call him or not, I am here for you.”

Magnus smiled in sorrow. “Don’t leave me.”

“I won’t.” Alec said firmly, holding his hand.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all about Alec and Magnus, but it's also all about Jem and Will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry it has taken so long, but I was intrigued by Will and Jem. I had to read about their adventures, My mind is still confused about them, I like Tessa very much, however, I don't think she would be happy with Jem. I don't know.  
> I hope you like this chapter.  
> my favorite pair of all time except Alec and Magnus, Captain James Flint and Lord Thomas Hamilton are cameos in this chapter:))

The end of the day was beautiful, the sun was setting slowly on the horizon while pink, violet and red colored streaks adorned the gray-blue sky. Somewhere in the world there was a new day had been begun as their place covered with dark. Alec dozed off, mouth agape, snoring lightly while his partner Magnus was watching him in silence. He remembered his days with Asmodeus. Asmodeus was not a hard parent, he was...he was too permissive sometimes, maybe too liberal on the parenting side as his mother was so strict. Magnus had never been accused her for anything. He knew one of the parents must be the strict one, especially when the child had a father like Asmodeus.

That year, when he was with him for a summer. Magnus smiled softly. The first time he had kissed with someone, it was just a kiss. Magnus had been surprised when his easy-going father, the man who had allowed him to polish his nails or dye his hair, had been so panicked as he had realized Magnus kissed a girl. It was the first and last time Magnus had lectured about bees and pollen by him. It was funny, and also heartbreaking moments for Magnus since he didn’t have any instinct to sleep with her. Magnus Bane had noticed Asmodeus’ life was not that colorful or easy as he had thought. He had seen everyone around Asmodeus had been so dependent to him, even though he didn’t want it. Magnus had wondered what he had been scared of, he couldn’t ask.

Alec murmured in his nap and turned, his hand landed on Magnus’ waist. Magnus looked at the hand on his abdomen, Alec trusted him. That man trusted him with his life. Magnus released a soft sigh as he touched the messed dark hair, thinking about consequences. The consequences Asmodeus had paid, the consequences he would pay.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was the guilt. The never ending regret that Will Herondale could not save himself from as he didn’t want to be saved. Will knew they loved each other, it was more than a friendship while it was painfully less than a love between two men. He knew they were stepped out of a limit, the limit would have never been to reached. They didn’t suppose to be hurt themselves like that as they hopelessly found themselves swirling in a maelstrom of emotions. The man who had silver hair and slender figure was his greatest sin. There must be an ending for them, ending without hurting themselves more, but Will didn’t find a way to survive.

It was not a questionable situation that they wanted each other in the same bed. The surprise was it developed such years after. They always trusted to each other for saving their asses, it didn’t reveal when Jem was sick. That need didn’t come up to the surface until Jem was cleared from cancer, it didn’t happen until Jem was rebelled and wanted some answers about his life.

Even in the dark, Will easily felt Jem, he coud feel him in his bones. He reached to find him, finding the warm flesh. His hands tugged the thin shirt off, touching the soft skin. Will moved closer, taking the beautiful face in his hands, kissing him. Jem moaned quietly, wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Will closed his eyes for a moment. His sin was in his arms, he didn’t care about the world. He would not care if the world destroyed. The dark slightly illuminated by the moonlight leaking through the windows, Jem’s hair dispersed on the pillow like a liquid silver, his finely-boned face shadowed under the dim light.

Will brushed over his fingers on Jem’s chiselled features. He smiled up at him, those glorious lips curved. Will relaxed, he still was worried about that they were making a mistake. It should not have happened. Will lowered himself as Jem covered them with the thick blanket.

“Thank you,” Will whispered.

“What do we say?” Jem asked in a low voice.

“About what?” Will murmured sleepily.

“About us, Will. They don’t know we’re together.”

“They won’t say anything. Our Alec is not a hypocrite.” Will settled beside him, yawning. “You think it’s weird, don’t you? I mean you and I...”

“Perhaps,” Jem muttered. “We’ve been known each other since we’re fourteen. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but...”

“You were surprised yourself. Is it hard to accept?”

Jem looked at him, his face was serious. “No, it is not.” He said finally. “I am not going to say, it’s fate or it’s our destiny. I owe you a lot.”

“You don’t owe me anything...at all.” Will carefully formed his words.

Jem didn’t reply, closing his eyes. He knew Will Herondale, he knew he was a good man under his arrogant and tough exterior, but he was also aware of Will was the only man who could truly break his heart. Will loved him, he was sure, but he wasn’t in love with him. They were different things, weren’t they? Will stayed with him because of guilt or pity? Jem didn’t know. Both of the reasons were not healthy.

Jem was afraid of one day Will Herondale would wake up and realize he sacrificed his life for a man who might be sick again at any moment. It would be hard for him, giving up on Will, but he needed to do it, didn’t he? Will always tended to hurt people around him, he usually spoke without thinking and he was...selfish.

Maybe it’s normal, William Herondale was so good-looking with those violet eyes, black hair and his muscular frame. People judged him because of his reflection. The reflection shown an arrogant, sarcastic...even childishly rude man. Jem could see the real man. A man who never thought about risking his life for his friends and the loved ones. He was caring, sometimes unbelievably affectionate. Jem was sure Will would be in there whenever he needed him, but he was not sure it was enough for a relationship.

Before everything had gotten so complicated, Will had been his best friend, his Parabatai, his safe harbor. Will was the only human being in the world who could easily hurt him, Jem couldn’t bare the idea of he was not leaving because he had been too close to death. Jem was also suffocating under Will’s endless protective instincts. He didn’t like when people worrying about him, about his illness. He was not a half-man, he was not useless, but Will frequently made him crazy with his you couldn’t do that attitude.

 “Sleep well,” Will whispered.

Jem didn’t think he could sleep. Somewhere in the house, a wood creaked, mixing with the light murmur of the fridge. Jem listened, waiting. Will’s breath was getting slower and even. He was about to fall asleep. Will only slept without dreaming when Jem was with him. Jem had never had a courage to ask what he dreamed. Will didn’t want to speak about his experience, he also refused to see a psychiatrist or using medication. He always said he could handle it, but Jem was not so sure.

Will had been checked the windows and doors in their house for three times tonight. Jem didn’t object the fact that the world was insane, and safety came first. However, their safety, especially Jem’s safety turned into an obsession in his mind. Flashbacks were the worst. It sometimes triggered all of a sudden, and it was not easy to convince him he was safe. Jem knew he was afraid of sleeping because of the nightmares.

They needed to break this unhealthy, overwhelming dependency to each other. Will should not have scared of sleeping, he should not have felt so much responsibility for his safety. Will should have chosen his way, his love without concerning about Jem. As a medic, Jem had already been known what PTSD was. Will locked in a constant state of the fight mode, he couldn’t unlock it and free himself.  He also knew it was hard to speak about the traumatic event for a person who was suffering from PTSD. Jem was wondering whether Alec had told about it or not. Both men had strong personalities, they believed they could overpowered their pitfalls by themselves.

Will could do it, if he didn’t devote his life to him. What if he was the constant trigger? Anything could be a trigger, a sound, a sight, people...people from the combat zone. What if James “Jem” Carstairs was the fixed reminder of what had happened to him? They had been in the same team. They had been trusted each other to save their asses. What if he was the one who continously waved the residues in his mind?

Love was not enough, love was not conquer all. Even tough the idea was frightening, did not he need to do same thing for him? Jem froze in a place that he couldn’t decide. Sometimes, just sometimes he wondered, they stayed together because sex was a kind of relieve valve, and they didn’t need to make an effort to find someone when they had each other. But kissing and rubbing could evaluate as sex? Jem corrected his sequence of thoughts. Could it be evaluated as a sexual relationship? If so, they were in some kind of relationship, if not, he didn’t know what they were doing. The worst was the emotions, those emotions William Herondale induced in him, confusing his mind.

Jem hated the tought when Will would look at him in the future, he might only remember how he spent his life for him. Once, Julian accused him for being too sensitive, and he couldn’t live his life if he continuously thought about the others well-being. Was he right? Probably. They were good as friends, they had been good while they had been in the same team. They reached the point that they were almost reading their minds as friends and as soldiers, but as lovers? No. Jem suspected that they were not lovers, they were not even fuck-buddies.  What were they?

Will Herondale was hesitant to move. He didn’t like the thought that Jem finally fed up with their life. He was afraid of something he didn’t touch or describe. Maybe, he finally went mad, seeing non-existent clues of Jem’s leave, but the t-shirt Jem had been wearing during the day. The shirt was black, thin white letters printed on it, forming a scaring sentence, _I want to break up_. Will knew his reaction was ridiculous. Those words were nothing, it was just a plain shirt. However, his mind was continuously bothered him with the question, what if Jem wanted to go? 

Will glanced at him, Jem’s eyes were closed, his breath was even. The ex-special force soldier wondered what he really had done to himself and Jem?  He had wanted to protect him, even if Jem had never asked for it. This slender, silver haired man had never wanted him to sacrifice his life. Will had done it willingly. He slightly realized now, he might have caged Jem like a captured animal with their past. Everything he had been done, everything he had been said, he had been done all for protecting Jem.

Jem had always been the one whom Will Herondale only cared of and loved. Their road trip would be the end. Will knew it, even it was hard to accept. There was a big elephant in the room they didn’t talk about. The silence between them, Will realized it was getting stronger and stronger in each day, surrounding them, suffocating them by its pressure. The time when they couldn’t take it anymore, it was close.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“What are they doing now?” Magnus asked while he was carefully slicing the chicken breast for a sandwich.

“Who? Will and Jem?”  Alec stared at him, Magnus was curious about them. The depth of his answers, that was the problem, but he trusted Magnus and trust was an important issue in any relationship.

Magnus sighed. Sometimes, it was like a pulling a teeth without the helping of an anesthetic until Alec gave up and opened himself willingly. “Yes. Will and Jem.”

 “Will bought a farm.” Alec rubbed his neck. “Jem lives with him. Both of them don’t have any farmer blood in their veins so their farm does not produce anything except problems.”

“How do they manage?”

“I don’t think it’s easy for them.” Alec inhaled a soft breath. “Jem and Will have been known each other from their childhood. Jem’s father was a diplomat in Shanghai, he and his mother were killed by a bomb placed in their car. He was 12 years old, Jem also wounded badly, stayed in coma for months.”

Magnus’ eyes widened in shock. “Did they catch the assassin?”

Alec shook his head. “No. His father’s colleagues settled him in a boarding school. He met Will in there. Then, they have been inseparable since.”

Magnus put the knife on the counter. He wanted to ask a personal question, but he was not so sure about Alec’s reaction. His curiosity finally defeated his hesitance. “Are they lovers?”

Alec blinked against the bluntness. “Err...no. Will and Jem are heterosexuals. Jem’s even married.”

“Oh,” Magnus cleared his throat. “I am sorry. I thought....”

Alec bit his lower lip. “I don’t know the nature of their relationship, Magnus. It’s personal, perhaps too deeply personal. They never asked about me. I sometimes feel I owe them because of it. Jem invited us to his wedding. We were all there, as the groom’s best men. He really loved Tessa, I am sure of it, but it did not work and Jem never told why it did not work.”

“Was she beautiful?”

“Tessa? Yes. She was a beautiful and strong woman. In my opinion, their marriage did not work because Jem was too patient, too understanding for her. You can’t argue with him, Jem always induces this feeling...what if I would hurt him? Will is the only one man who get Jem mad and force him to lose his patience. I think their relationship turned into something complicated, even they don’t understand, especially after Jem’s sickness.”

Magnus nodded lightly. “I can understand.”

“Jem is a calm, and very collected person. He is peaceful while Will is sometimes impatient and rude. It is not easy to reach him. He looks cold and distant, but he is a good man. He can sacrifice his life for Jem without thinking. He would destroy the world if Jem wants it. I...I sometimes wonder how deep are Jem’s feelings for him.”

Magnus poured the apple cider into glasses. He made the sandwiches as Alec shown his trust for him. It made Magnus proud and vulnerable. They still didn’t have the point of total mutual trust, however, they were really close.

“This kind of power...on him...it’s dangerous.”

Alec looked he lost in his thoughts for a moment. “Despite the fact that Will occasionally acts like an egoistical bastard, I know he loves Jem. I just don’t know he loves him as a friend or as a lover.”

Magnus arched one of his shaped eyebrows. He moved his plate and chair to lean over the counter, lacing their hands together.

“Everyone has secrets, Alec.” He watched him, he relaxed when Alec smiled lightly. “We can’t choose who we fall in love. Sometimes it comes with a stranger, but sometimes it comes with a friend.”

“I’ve never had a boyfriend.” Alec inhaled a deep breath, looking a bit perplexed. “I actually did not want anyone in my life. I was tired of being manipulated by other people in my life. Their argument never changed, I would have done whatever they had wanted because it was for my happiness. Honestly...I’ve never wanted anyone before I met you.”

Magnus pulled his hand back, his lip curved into a beautiful smile. “Thank you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood...”

Magnus could continue, but both of them startled as Alec’s mobile began to weep. Alec frowned, leaning to take his mobile. His face was paled when he saw the calling number.

“Alec? What’s wrong?” Magnus asked in haste.

Alec showed the screen, the word, Mom, blinked while the phone was continuing the shrill. “Mom.” He whispered. “I don’t want to talk to her.”

“It’s OK.” Magnus said calmly. “Give me the phone.” He suddenly wondered why Maryse Lightwood finally called his son. Was she worried? Was she worried because her son wounded? Alec stretched out the phone quietly.

Magnus didn’t lose a time, he held the gadget tightly, sliding the bar. “Hello?”

He didn’t know what he was expecting, but her voice was cold, almost calculated. “This is Dr Maryse Lightwood. I want to speak with my son, Alexander Lightwood. Can I ask who I am speaking with?”

Magnus grinned. “Nice to meet you, Dr Lightwood. You are speaking with Dr Magnus Bane. Alec is not available now. He is sleeping. Would you want to leave a message?” Alec’s posture slowly relaxed.

There was a short pause on her side. “Are you a medical doctor, Dr Bane?”

Magnus puzzled for a moment, then he gathered his wit. “No madam, I am not.”

“Are you my son’s friend?” Now, Magnus hopelessly wanted to know her real deed, he answered her anyway.

“Yes, madam. I am also his partner.”

“Are you Alec’ partner at work?” Her voice little wavered as Magnus narrowed his eyes. Magnus Bane was not a short-fused man, nevertheless, the tone of her voice pricked his soul badly.

“Are trying to ask whether I am his life partner or not, Dr Lightwood?” His voice sharpened with the dripping sarcasm. “I do not believe that you have any right to ask personal questions.”

Alec blushed to te roots of his hair. No one could dare to clash with Maryse Lightwood. He put his hand on his mouth to prevent his strangled snicker.

“I didn’t mean to offend you, Dr Bane.” Maryse said in a low voice. “He didn’t want to speak with me, did he?”

Magnus fixed his eyes on the fridge. “Yes, Dr Lightwood. I am sorry.”

“Is he fine? I’ve seen the news.”

“He is recovering.”

“A mother always wishes their children’s happiness and success. I am not different.” Maryse stated softly.

“Well, you have a highly strange way to show it since you haven’t been speaking with your son for years. If I am not wrong, this is your first call for ten years?”

“Goodnight, Dr Bane.” The line clicked off. Magnus shivered as he put the mobile on the counter.

Magnus turned his head to Alec. “She asked whether you are fine or not. It may be good to call your sister. I think she wanted to say something, but she couldn’t say it when I opened it.”

Alec nodded. “I’ll call, Izzy.”

“Eat your sandwich first.” Magnus warned. “We don’t need another faint spell.”

“Yes, sir.” Alec chuckled. “Do you still want to solve the Moscow murder?”

“What’s in your mind?” Magnus intrigued.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alec watched Magnus while he was sitting on the sofa. He momentarily postponed his call to Izzy. There was a serious expression on Magnus’ face. After they had been eaten their dinner, Alec convinced him to calling the inspector who had investigated the Clover’s death. It seemed a Scotland Yard inspector has also sent to Moscow for helping his Russian colleagues. Magnus first objected the idea, the inspector might already have been retired, he most likely couldn’t reach the guy. He finally surrendered the absurdity of the suggestion. He was nervous, but there was no doubt he was also curious.

They were bemused when they learned he still worked. Detective Inspector James Flint was now a Commisioner. He also accepted the video chat, surprising the both men. He had a strong, handsome face. His blue-green eyes were belonged to a highly intelligent man. Magnus liked him, he was a ginger and the features on his face screamed he had that stubbornness that only redheads could have it.

“Everything happened in twenty years ago. May I ask why are you interested in the case?”

Alec and Magnus looked at each other. “I am writing a book about Asmodeus and his group, Commisioner. The case drew my attention.” Magnus finally offered his lie.

“You are writing a book about your father, Mr Bane? Did you get permission from your father?” He said smartly.

Magnus laughed heartily. “You caught me. How do you know I am his son?”

“Asmodeus mentioned you. He also said that if his son would call me one day, he didn’t have anything to hide. What do you want to learn?” Someone called the inspector, they didn’t hear the words. Inspector McGraw turned his head to answer, rising his left hand. Magnus caught the glimpse of the simple gold band. When he looked at them again, he was smiling. “Sorry about it. We should be in our grandson’s school performance in an hour.”

The man didn’t need words, his presence, the authoritative aura around him immediately aroused a silent respect. Alec realized he could captivate someone with his blue-green gaze as long as he wanted.

Magnus nodded in polite gesture. “I don’t want to take your time, Commissioner. Who killed Clover?” Magnus asked without squirming.

“Would you prefer the official version or the truth?”

“Truth.” Magnus gulped, Alec placed his hand on Magnus’ back. His fingers slowly stroked the tensed muscles.

“Before their visit to Moscow, the group had a concert in Paris, and something had happened in there related with Mr Connor.” Magnus couldn’t breath for a moment.

“Who is Mr Connor?” Alec asked gently.

“TattsMan.” Magnus whispered. “What happened?”

“Mr Connor wanted to divorce, and he made a fatal mistake when he was honest about the reason of his request. Mrs Connor was angry and devastated. She wanted to revenge, Mr Bane.”

“Magnus, please.” He murmured.

Commissioner Flint sighed. “Clover was a first class bastard, Magnus. He never approved your father’s way, but Asmodeus was the flame of their band, without him they were nothing. Angie knew he was also jealous of Asmodeus and TattsMan. He thought they didn’t give him the value he deserved.”

“Idiot.” Magnus said flatly. “He wasn’t a liable man. He even missed a concert few times. They didn’t rely on his talent. His ego was wider than my father. I think they didn’t like him at the end.”

Flint sighed lightly as his unseen better part called him again before he could have replied. “Wait for a second, gentlemen. Come up here!”

Even tough Magnus preferred dark haired guys, the man entered the room was literally the most dashing man in his fifties he had ever seen. He was as tall as Alec, but thinner than him. He had blond hair began to silver around his temples and expressive dark blue eyes. As soon as he saw the screen, and two men looked at him with dropped jaws, he stepped a little back.

“I didn’t know you’re in a meeting, James.” He said softly.

“Don’t worry.” James shrugged. “Let me introduce you to my husband, Lord Thomas Hamilton. Thomas...this is Dr Magnus Bane and Special Agent Alec Lightwood. Do you remember the case I went to Moscow twenty years ago?”

Thomas nodded. “The case about Asmodeus Bane.”

“Come sit by my side.” Lord Hamilton sat beside him with a graceful move and gave them a gentle nod.

“I assume Dr Bane has some relationship with Asmodeus.”

“I am his son and I have some questions.”

“I hope you can find your answers.” Thomas said somberly.

“I’ll try to give you a straight answers as much as I can, Magnus.” Flint murmured. “That unfortunate night, Clover and Mrs Connor were as high as a kite. Both Asmodeus and Mr Connor were angry to him. I have to tell you, neither Mr Connor nor Asmodeus were drunk. They stayed in the same big suit seperated by a door. Asmodeus wanted to rest since his head ached badly after he had a serious argument with Clover. Asmodeus were retreated to his side. Asmodeus said he must have aslept since the noise of the fight had woken up him, but he was confused with a head splitting ache.”

“What really had happened?”

“In fact, your father didn’t involve until Mr Connor knocked the door in panic and wanted his help. However, the Connors had been consistent with their statements, painfully honest too. TattsMan had caught Angie with Clover in the same bed.”

“What the...” Magnus raised his eyebrows in shock. “Angie didn’t like him.”

“Angie wanted to hurt her husband.” James reminded. “They had begun to fight, there might have been some punches in the process. Then, something unimaginable had happened. Just as I said Clover was high, and he mixed drugs with Russian vodka, he suddenly collapsed, his breath stopped. Angie and TattsMan tried to CPR, but there was no sign of life. The truth was his blood pressure had reach the sky, and it had resulted with a massive bleeding in his brain.”

 “Shit.” Magnus said in pain.

“They couldn’t resuscitate him. Mr Connor ran to your father to help. Asmodeus was clever. He called the British Embassy instead of calling the emergency.”

“Oh, I see.” Alec murmured. Magnus didn’t ask what he understood.

“In fifteen minutes, two men from the Embassy reached the hotel and took the charge. Asmodeus, TattsMan and Angie went to the party in slightly apart times for not drawing an attention. Half an hour later, Clover fell from the balcony or should we say Clover’s dead body fell?”

“How convenient.” Magnus said flatly.

“The Russian pathologist decided Clover had a brain hemorrhage, lost his consciousness and fell. I was there to convince them this possibility. My order came from the highest rank.”

“I don’t understand why did he say he slept with Angie?” Magnus said thoughtfully.

Before Commissioner replied, Alec glanced at him in sorrow. “He was trying to protect his friend, Magnus. He created a distraction.”

“Your father is a menace, Mr Bane. But no one says he is stupid.” Lord Hamilton added in a sudden.

“Were you....were you there Lord Hamilton?” Magnus asked.

“I hadn’t been given permission to enter the country.” Lord Hamilton snorted as Flint bit his lower lip to prevent his laugh. Magnus was sure there was be an interesting story behind Flint’s unfortunate laugh and Hamilton’s cold stare throwing at him.

“Asmodeus always has powerful allies in the government.” Flint said.

“Allies, not friends.” Alec muttered.

Flint looked grim. “It worked. It works, always.”

Magnus shrugged. “It makes sense. My father doesn’t need friends, he needs allies and enemies for living. It gives him a purpose.”

“I will not sugarcoat the fact Asmodues is not a man cross with. I would rather prefer to remain friends with him not as enemies. I am sorry, gentlemen but we should leave in ten minutes or our daughter would skin us alive if miss our grandson’s first theater performance. He plays a guinea pig.” His lop-sided grin was infectious. However, he awarded with a slight nudge by Lord Hamilton.

“It’s not a guinea pig, it’s a rabbit.” He corrected him.

Magnus and Alec heard the low murmurings beyond the ocean as Commissioner closed his laptop.

_“He could have played the pirate king.”_

_“Do not start again, James Flint.”_

They looked at each other.

“He didn’t kill him.” Magnus breathed out. His tensed muscles finally decided to relax. Alec held his hand, squeezing lightly.

“It’s getting late.” Alec muttered. “Let us sleep. New day, new beginnings.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.” Alec’s mouth curved into a smile.

“What about your mother?”

“She can wait.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

Will opened his eyes, Jem had been changed his position during their sleep. His head was on his chest now, a thin arm wrapping around his abdomen. Jem curled up around him. Will blinked in confusion, staring at the V-shaped woods of the ceiling for a minute. He remembered something had been wrong, something had been so dangerous reaching their side. He must have protected Jem. He wrapped his arms around the slender body, pulling him closer as if he wanted to convince himself, Jem was still in here with him, it was not just a dream.

His eyes landed on the clock, four thirty in the morning. The night was almost silent except the light rattling sound coming from the old shutters. Jem was still sleeping soundly. Will lowered his head to look at him. His mind knew what was wrong, it was the guilt he felt through his bones. The guilt he felt for he loved him, for he realized he was attracted to James Carstairs and he couldn’t tell him the truth. It was unacceptable for a soldier like him, leaving a friend in such a vulnerable state in an enemy zone.

Life was Will’s enemy zone now. He had never been a coward, but he finally understood he had run from the reality. He hid himself in this ramshackle and he dragged Jem with him. He kept his feelings to himself.

Will sighed, his hand reached the silver blond hair, running through the soft strands. Listening Jem’s quiet breathing, the sound always made him peaceful. When the sun was born, Will would find himself again in a constant internal struggle to cope with the environment around him. He was wondering how Alec coped. Did he find it as hard as him? Alec had a job, perhaps it was easier for him. Will offered law enforcement jobs, but he had been undecided. He had hardly survived from his experience, he didn’t want to live with the continuous reminders of treachery of human species. Maybe he had been wrong, maybe Alec found a way to heal himself while he was helping the others.

“You are awake...”

Will winced. Jem didn’t raise his head to look at him, his arm was still wrapping around his waist. “Go back to sleep.” Will whispered.

“I can’t sleep when I can hear the wheels in your mind. What’s wrong?”

Will was grateful since Jem never asked about his nightmares. “Do you think I made a mistake when I didn’t accept the job offers? I mean jobs in the law enforcement, not the security guard position in a high school.”

Jem stroked the flat abdomen slowly, his fingers trailed down the paths of hard muscles. “Do you want to work?”

Will sighed. “Buying this farm is the most useless idea I’ve ever had. We are not farmers. How can we raise poultry when I hate ducks?”

Jem laughed lowly, shifting himself a little. “We decided to raise chickens, not ducks. The officer in the extension station was very sure about the future of organic poultry.”

Will grunted, his fine hair on his arms prickled as the long fingers touched his skin lightly. “I remind you he wasn’t so sure about our future as farmers. We can sell the farm.”

“Then, what will we do?” Jem asked softly. “I like here.”

Will looked down at him, surprised. “Really?”

Jem nodded, he carefully placed his leg on Will’s thigh. “I like the peacefulness in here. The mountains, the forest, I like our neighbors.”

Will snorted. “We only have one neighbour within five mile radius,  and she is a certified nuts.”

Jem snickered. “That certified nuts is a good farmer and she’s graduated from agriculture faculty.”

“You didn’t praise her when she chased you with a rifle.” Will reminded.

“It was my fault.” Will could feel the curving of his lips on his skin. “I am worried about, Alec.”

“You’ve always worried about Alec. You heard him. He’s fine. We’ll see him tomorrow night.”

Jem rose his head, stared at him. “I wonder something.” He murmured.

Will stretched his hand to touch the delicate face, cupping his face. His thumb slowly traced the high cheekbones. “What?”

“When do we actually realize the difference between right and wrong?”

Will frowned. “We as humans?” Jem nodded in silence. “I think we don’t realize until something forced us to choose and it’s not enough. Which right and wrong are the real, Jem? I killed people believing they’re the enemies, they killed us believing we were their enemies.” Will ran a finger over his jaw. “I only know you are my reality, Jem Carstairs.”

Jem turned his face to hide his blush, but ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. He leaned on his elbow, moving his body until he placed himself on Will as he spread his legs to open him a space.

Jem had loved Tessa, he still loved her in some way. He had shared their marriage bed willingly and passionately. Tessa was still on his mobile list. They occasionally called each other and chatted about their lives. Jem didn’t think his ex-marriage was the barrier, Will always liked Tessa, but he just didn’t know why they were walking on eggshells.

It had been an shocking experience, for both of them. Finding themselves in the same bed for horizontal activities. It was so odd. Thinking about years they shared in the same team, in the same boarding school. Will had been the strong one, the one who always protected Jem. Under the happy and respectable illusion of dormitories, the weaklings had always been the victims. Jem knew he could have protected himself if necessary, but he had never needed it. Everyone had known if they had touched James Carstairs, they would have met with the wrath of William Herondale. Over all the years, they kept secrets from each other?

Jem closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of fingertips on his skin. “Were you always into guys or you made an exception for me?”

The question was sudden, horrifying. Will tried to swallow the lump placed in his throat “You?”

“You are my exception.” Jem said honestly.

Will didn’t know why he was smiling, he was blushed and lowered his head. “I always find both gender attractive.”

Jem looked at him curiously. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you find me attractive when we were young?”

“We are still young.” Will groaned. “I never felt so sure about my feelings, but yes, I always find you attractive. Maybe I am just bi-curious.”

“Have you...have you ever been in a relationship with a guy?” Jem hated when his voice sounded so shaky.

“No.” Will replied in hesitance. “It’s hard to explain. I’ve never been in a relationship as I wanted to know how it felt like.”

“Who were they?” Jem closed his eyes for moment. Why was he thinking he was so disappointed?

“No one you know. Random people picked from clubs. Something was missing, Jem. I didn’t feel any connection.”

“Why me?” Jem whispered.

“Because...” Will held him tightly, he was torn between the different answers, whether he would be honest or not. “You’ve been my light for years. You were the one who forced me to be a good man. Without you I didn’t know what I would have been turned into. You were always my reason to live. The night I kissed you, the night you were in my arms...I finally felt myself as a whole man.”

“I want you to kiss me.” Jem only said.

Will’s breath caught in his lungs. Jem’s eyes were shining with a challenge. He knew it was a bad idea, he knew if he would kiss Jem, things were going to escalate and they couldn’t stop. His hand reached to touch Jem’s shoulder, he carefully rested his large hand on. Funny thing tough, they shared a bed, they shared the same stone floor for hundred, maybe thousands times. It had been normal for them. Will held him tightly, staring at Jem’s face. His body was thin, but he gained weight in last months. Will was happy to see his cheek bones finally had some color. His Jem was a fighter, he would never give up.

“I feel strange.” Jem confessed.

Will didn’t want to be worried, didn’t want to ruin the moment. However, he couldn’t stop himself. “Are you in pain?”

“No.” Jem shook his head violently. “Nothing like that. Everything is going to change between us, but I am not afraid of it. What do you feel, Will Herondale?”

Will stared at him in silence. “I am not afraid.” He finally muttered. “There is no rule that a change will be a bad one.”

Jem tilted his head, smiling softly. “I can’t guarantee that it will be good, either. I am curious about something.”

“What is it?” Will blinked.

Jem looked at him thoughtfully. “About Alec. It’s none of our business, but...Do you think Alec is gay?”

Will bit his lower lip. He was concerned, even restless. “Why do you ask?”

Jem turned his head, a shadow passed through his face. “I am afraid of his reaction. His reaction about us. I can’t bear if I lose his friendship.”

“If he leaves us because we’re in a relationship, then he has never been our friend.” Will replied firmly.

Jem leaned over his body, his hand pressed Will’s chest. He stole a kiss. Once their lips met, Jem felt Will stopped breathing for a second. Will grabbed his hand, pulling him closer. The kiss was different than the previous ones. It was demanding. They were flushed, panting when their kiss ended.

“I want to tell you something.” Jem muttered. “I...thought about the best way to tell you. I couldn’t find a way except honesty. I...wonder what it feels like, Will. I want to do it with you. I can’t think any other man than you.”

“Oh,” Will could only be able to say.  Will tried to sit up a bit, averting his eyes from Jem. Will realized his cheeks were turning into flaming red.

“Look at my face, Will, please.” Jem begged, he was ashamed now. He most likely calculated wrong about Will’s feelings.

Will wrapped his arms around him, burrying his face into Jem’s neck. “Don’t leave me,” He sobbed.

Jem’s stomach flipped in pain. “Will? Please talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Will inhaled a long breath, smelling Jem’s unique scent. “Don’t leave me, Jem. I can’t live alone. I can’t function without you. I am scared.”

Jem stretched his hand to run through Will’s black hair, holding his head tightly. “I am here.” He whispered. 


End file.
